You

You make me smile, you make me happy. You make me a better person, you make me realize more about myself so I can grow. I'm genuinely a better person when you're in my life. I've missed you this past month, a lot. I don't think I realized how much until I saw you again. You help me to believe in myself, you help me to believe in love like it's a real thing... I don't know that I've ever felt that love was possible... I felt that nobody could love me, because I have flaws. But as you've pointed out, everyone has their flaws, and nobody is perfect. The flaws are what makes a person unique, and beautiful. You've helped me believe what I know. I don't know if you're planning on sticking around, I really hope that you are, but right now, I'm just going to try to enjoy being near you now. There are so many things I'd love to say to you, but I don't want to scare you away. Mostly, I'm not scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of losing you. You are the greatest guy I've ever had a chance at dating, you're a nice guy, and I've always been too afraid to try to be with a nice guy like you. I've stepped way outside my comfort zone, and you haven't got a clue. Because, you're stepping way outside your comfort zone as well, and you don't think I know it, and you're trying so hard to hide it... It's adorable, sweet, and probably a little entertaining to watch us interact. You are amazing. I've given you the power to break my heart, again, I hope you won't...

Listening

Apparently listening takes a ton of skill, a skill that my friends do not seem to have. I might as well be talking to a wall... I know I am right, and you advise me all the time and tell me what to do but you never listen to me when I have insight into your situations. Why do I even bother? You never listen anyway... It's so difficult not to be extremely angry and frustrated when you complain all the freaking time about stuff that can be fixed pretty easily, but no, you are incapable of listening to anyone else because you are so prideful. I'm so sick of being ignored. I don't speak just for kicks, I'm not even an extremely talkative person, when I say something it's because it's something that needs to be said, or something you need to hear. I don't care if you do not like me, but if that's the reason why you have decided not to listen that is just plain stupid. Even fools have good points once in a while. God can use anyone to speak to someone, so do not disregard what I say when I am saying the things you desperately need to hear. You're such an awesome friend (not). I'm there for you everytime you need someone, but when I'm crying and alone you are no where to be found... I am so sick of wasting time caring about people who do not give a crap about me.

I'm sorry

Sometimes, I'm sorry just is not enough. Actions speak so much louder than words, and when you've hurt someone with your actions, words cannot fix the problem.
Some days I just wanna sit back and drink a little bit.
Some days I wanna go out and just have a great time, forget about all the baggage I have... I'm working on losing the baggage, and healing from the gaping wounds on my heart. I've come very far, but there are certain wounds I can't seem to let go of completely just yet. Like Daniel. My best friend in the world... I wish I could explain the pain in words, it was like being stabbed in the heart in the middle of a hug... Worst feeling ever. I think I also still need to forgive Adam for breaking my heart, and for lying to my face.

Healing

sometimes just means forgiving ourselves...

Broken cisterns...

Have names.

1 April 2011

I am afraid of commitment in relationships. It feels like everyone around me has no problem with commitment, people are getting married, or celebrating multiple years together. I've been single for over a year now, and I've only liked... two guys in the last year or so... Kirk and Christian... And Kirk led me on, and just broke my heart. It really really sucked. Things didn't work out with Christian either... I hate falling for guys, because I hate getting hurt. I don't really mind being vulnerable I guess, I just hate the getting hurt part... I don't want to take my time, I want someone I know, someone I trust, someone I love... Like... Daniel. I know him really well, he's my best friend, I've never been so comfortable with anybody else, ever. I love him to pieces, and couldn't imagine life without him... However, he isn't... enough of a leader. He's not as assertive or agressive... He's not as manly... I have no clue what I want, and I'm going to end up hurting someone because I don't know what I want... I'm such a jerk.

12 March 2011

My birthday is in four months(: I'm very excited for that.
Listening to Avril Lavigne's new album, and it makes me want to cry. The power of music, and the power of love... When I hear someone hurting, I want desperately to reach out to them and help them get back up off the ground. I want to help them heal, I want to help them feel better. I hate that I can't always help. I hate that I can't even help myself. I hate that I'm not who I want to be. I'm not the girl I always thought I'd be. I think I always expected to change drastically when I got to a new place. The thing is, transitions and changes don't happen that quickly. They happen over time. It's so difficult to pretend that I don't miss you, I wish I actually knew who "you" was... I've lost a place to shove my feelings... Placing love off and onto different people. I wish I knew who it was I actually loved... I know that I miss him... I know that I hurt because we aren't together anymore... It's so difficult to pretend that I'm okay. Not that I'm not okay, I'm fine, but I'm hurting too. Break ups aren't easy... I miss my mom... I wish she was here, I wish she were able to just hold me or scratch my back as I sobbed into my pillow... I can't wait to be home for spring break... I've never missed anyone like I miss my mom and dad right now. I've never not had them around to help me through a break up before... I just can't wait to see them, I'll probably cry. I just want to be able to hug them both and cry my bloody eyes out. I wish Daniel was back from the retreat, he always knows just how to cheer me up, and make everything better... I think I'm falling in love with him...