Luke

I have so many things I want to tell you.
I also want to hit you.
I want to make you regret what you did to me.
Nothing I say or do will really change this
So if you ever happen upon this,
I want you to know, this isn't really for you.
It's for me.
Forgiving you, that was for me too.

Early morning on August 7, 2008 I woke up to you unzipping my pants on the bus ride home from State Fair Band Day. You kept trying to unzip my pants, and you reached up my shirt. You tried to force my hand up your shorts. That. Was. NOT. Okay. I was so scared, and I was so exhausted. I wish, with all my heart, that I had screamed when I woke up, and when you wouldn't stop. I didn't. I wish I had. I wish I had exposed you for what you were. I wish I had told someone what you did. It took several weeks before I could tell my best friend. My very best friend. The girl that knew just about everything about me. The girl I would've trusted with my life. I was so ashamed. I was so scared. I thought it was all my fault. A year later, on State Fair Band Day, August 7, 2009, I told my story through our show. The show that hit closer to home than anyone ever imagined. I told the world about the heart ache that you caused me. I told the world about how I felt during and afterward. Then I showed the world that it would NEVER happen again. Ever. The world never knew that I had just told them my story. The story that broke my heart and my self esteem. The story that sent me into a tail spin. The story that broke my soul. I had told my story, but I hadn't forgiven you. I was bitter inside. I was so broken. I didn't understand why you had done that to me. Why I hadn't screamed. I didn't stop beating myself up for not screaming, for not telling anyone. It took me over a year to forgive you. Then, on April 18, 2010 I was baptized. For the first time since then, I felt like I had been forgiven for what happened that day. For whatever part was my fault. I felt like my past had been wiped clean. I forgave myself. I forgave you. Completely. I don't write this to hurt you. I write this because God put something on my heart. He spoke to me and He asked me to write my story. In bits and pieces. This is a huge story from my life. It's not as in detail as it could be. It's not exactly a flawless, breath-taking story. It is what it is. It's what I remember. It's what God has begged me to tell the world. Lord, I pray that You will use this in someone's life. I want you to know, it is not your fault! God loves you regardless, He loves you as much as He did when you were first born. He'll love you the same when you die. God's love is constant and consistent. God FORGIVES you. You don't have to walk around with that weight on your shoulders anymore. I've started over. Please, please, believe me when I say that you can too.

Dear God

I feel so alone right now.
I can't feel you by my side right now.
Where have you gone? Where are you now?
I know that You are near, inside my very bones I can feel it.
Lord I love You and I need You.
I can't feel you right now, but feelings are fickle, feelings are fleeting.
My heart is wicked, it is set against me.
Lord I need You I need You I need You.
Man was not meant to be alone...
So why have I been left so alone? Lord I don't know why this is happening, or why I can't feel You by my side. I do know, that You are near me. I see Your face in the trees, the sky, the people around me, the earth, the flowers, Lord You are all around me. I know You are here. Don't let me forget. I'm so sorry for all I've done, all the times I've hurt You, all the times I threw stones at You. Forgive me Lord. Forgive me. Lord draw me near, and heal this broken heart. You alone can fix me. I've built up walls and anger, to keep everyone out. I know why I'm alone, and I know it's partially my fault. Lord help me not to fear being hurt. There's that word again, fear. Fear. What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
If I wasn't afraid, I would stop fearing rejection, broken hearts, bad grades, my past. Lord You did not make me a person of fear. I am a bold, strong person. I know that I can't make it on my own, regardless of how strong I am, but with You, I can handle anything. You can do ANYTHING Lord. ANYTHING. that word is incredible as well. Anything. Lord, if You can do anything, and You love me, then why should I be afraid? What should I be afraid of? Lord I am in awe of You. Thank You. I love You. I'm sorry for ever once doubting. Lord, I fear I am... there's that word again. Lord You made me the way I am for a reason. You created me and said "It is good." I trust You Lord, I love You Lord. Forgive my petty fears. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

slowly but surely

everyone will let you down.
even the ones you thought never would.
I just never thought it'd be like this,
watching everyone slowly surrender,
everyone slowly settle,
everyone slowly giving up.
I'm in need of some inspiration.
someone stay strong, please, for me.
I'm in a need of a brighter day,
a sweeter song,
a steady hand.
Oh why have you given up all your dreams for a tool worth yesterday?
Why have you given in?
Did you buy the lie?
That's no surprise,
I did too for a time.
Please don't quit on me now
We have come so far, it's gonna be alright.
Stay strong and steady,
right ahead, no far ahead, is a brighter day

I forgive you.

Hey, you remember when you called me ugly?
I forgive you.
When you called me worthless?
I forgive you.
When you called me fat?
I forgive you.
When I believed you?
I forgive myself.
When you lied to me?
I forgive you.
When you hurt me?
I forgive you.
When you shattered my heart?
I forgive you.
When you cheated on me?
I forgive you.
When you lead me on?
I forgive you.
When you said you loved me and broke up with me five minutes later via text?
I forgive you.
When you said I was the one that was controlling?
Even though it was the other way around?
I forgive you.
When you did drugs in front of me?
I forgive you.
When you told me you hated me?
I forgive you.
When you made fun of me for my christian beliefs?
I forgive you.
When you lied about me to a bunch of people and made them stop being friends with me?
I forgive you.
When you made me feel guilty for having a bad day?
I forgive you.
When you dated me for a joke?
I forgive you.
When you dated me for a dare?
I forgive you.
When you asked me out and broke up with me five seconds later?
I forgive you.
When you told me I was stupid?
I forgive you.
When you told me I would never amount to anything?
I forgive you.
When you told me everyone hated me?
I forgive you.
When you told me that "i didn't have the guts to do it?"
I forgive you.

I forgive you all.
For everything you've done.
I apologize for the times I hurt you as well.
God has forgiven me.
I hope one day you will too.
I hope one day you will see the truth too.
I hope one day you will understand that I didn't lie to you.
I hope one day you will be able to understand what I meant, where I was, and how I felt.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

I forgive you and love you because God has forgiven and loved me.

God Help Me

I'm tired of being the only one.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of not having a friend.
A real friend.
A best friend.
Someone close by.
Someone I can count on
Someone I can trust in
Someone real.
Someone else who really loves God.
Someone who does have morals and values.
I'm so sick of fighting this uphill battle alone.
It's made me strong, yes
but I can only take so much...
Lord help me...
You didn't make people to be on relational islands,
but that is where I am.
and it's not even really my fault.
I didn't choose this path,
well I guess I sort of did,
when I decided to follow You.
I just don't wanna do this alone.
I have nobody to talk to about You.
I wish I had somebody to talk to Lord.
Someone that cared about me.
Lord I know I am not entirely alone...
only because I have You and my parents.
God I'm so sick of being put down because I don't have a boyfriend. I chose this. I didn't WANT a boyfriend. That doesn't make me less of a person. I'm so tired of feeling degraded because of it. God... If I wanted a boyfriend, You know I would have one. I just want a relationship with a guy that loves You first. I want a guy with a sweet but strong heart. Lord I know You are preparing me for this guy, I just... I'm lonely Lord. I know I'm helping people around me, and I know that I'm inspiring other people, but sometimes the only inspiration I can get is from nature, and from reading Your word. Lord I know that that is good, I just wish that I had somebody. I know that Lauren loves me, and is always there for me. But she doesn't live anywhere near me, and she's got a life of her own. I can't tell her everything I want to. I'm scared out of my mind to tell her half the things I've done. She is the only one I have. She is the only "true" christian friend I have. Lord, why? Why have you left me on this deserted island? Everything happens for a reason, and everything will work for good in the end, but Lord, that doesn't mean it hurts any less now. Lord, I have no idea at all how I am going to make it through the next month or so left of school. I need out so badly. I need out FAST. I need You Lord. Don't leave me. God help me to feel your arms around me, help me to know that you know EXACTLY how I feel right now. Lord help me. Fill me up inside. Give me what I need to get by. I know You will. Lord thank You for the peace You are filling me with. Thank You for all that You do. Lord You are so absolutely wonderful and incredible. I love You Lord. Lord I need You. Thank You for Your incredible sacrifice and testiment of Your love for me. Lord... I need You so much.