You

You make me smile, you make me happy. You make me a better person, you make me realize more about myself so I can grow. I'm genuinely a better person when you're in my life. I've missed you this past month, a lot. I don't think I realized how much until I saw you again. You help me to believe in myself, you help me to believe in love like it's a real thing... I don't know that I've ever felt that love was possible... I felt that nobody could love me, because I have flaws. But as you've pointed out, everyone has their flaws, and nobody is perfect. The flaws are what makes a person unique, and beautiful. You've helped me believe what I know. I don't know if you're planning on sticking around, I really hope that you are, but right now, I'm just going to try to enjoy being near you now. There are so many things I'd love to say to you, but I don't want to scare you away. Mostly, I'm not scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of losing you. You are the greatest guy I've ever had a chance at dating, you're a nice guy, and I've always been too afraid to try to be with a nice guy like you. I've stepped way outside my comfort zone, and you haven't got a clue. Because, you're stepping way outside your comfort zone as well, and you don't think I know it, and you're trying so hard to hide it... It's adorable, sweet, and probably a little entertaining to watch us interact. You are amazing. I've given you the power to break my heart, again, I hope you won't...

Listening

Apparently listening takes a ton of skill, a skill that my friends do not seem to have. I might as well be talking to a wall... I know I am right, and you advise me all the time and tell me what to do but you never listen to me when I have insight into your situations. Why do I even bother? You never listen anyway... It's so difficult not to be extremely angry and frustrated when you complain all the freaking time about stuff that can be fixed pretty easily, but no, you are incapable of listening to anyone else because you are so prideful. I'm so sick of being ignored. I don't speak just for kicks, I'm not even an extremely talkative person, when I say something it's because it's something that needs to be said, or something you need to hear. I don't care if you do not like me, but if that's the reason why you have decided not to listen that is just plain stupid. Even fools have good points once in a while. God can use anyone to speak to someone, so do not disregard what I say when I am saying the things you desperately need to hear. You're such an awesome friend (not). I'm there for you everytime you need someone, but when I'm crying and alone you are no where to be found... I am so sick of wasting time caring about people who do not give a crap about me.

I'm sorry

Sometimes, I'm sorry just is not enough. Actions speak so much louder than words, and when you've hurt someone with your actions, words cannot fix the problem.
Some days I just wanna sit back and drink a little bit.
Some days I wanna go out and just have a great time, forget about all the baggage I have... I'm working on losing the baggage, and healing from the gaping wounds on my heart. I've come very far, but there are certain wounds I can't seem to let go of completely just yet. Like Daniel. My best friend in the world... I wish I could explain the pain in words, it was like being stabbed in the heart in the middle of a hug... Worst feeling ever. I think I also still need to forgive Adam for breaking my heart, and for lying to my face.

Healing

sometimes just means forgiving ourselves...

Broken cisterns...

Have names.

1 April 2011

I am afraid of commitment in relationships. It feels like everyone around me has no problem with commitment, people are getting married, or celebrating multiple years together. I've been single for over a year now, and I've only liked... two guys in the last year or so... Kirk and Christian... And Kirk led me on, and just broke my heart. It really really sucked. Things didn't work out with Christian either... I hate falling for guys, because I hate getting hurt. I don't really mind being vulnerable I guess, I just hate the getting hurt part... I don't want to take my time, I want someone I know, someone I trust, someone I love... Like... Daniel. I know him really well, he's my best friend, I've never been so comfortable with anybody else, ever. I love him to pieces, and couldn't imagine life without him... However, he isn't... enough of a leader. He's not as assertive or agressive... He's not as manly... I have no clue what I want, and I'm going to end up hurting someone because I don't know what I want... I'm such a jerk.

12 March 2011

My birthday is in four months(: I'm very excited for that.
Listening to Avril Lavigne's new album, and it makes me want to cry. The power of music, and the power of love... When I hear someone hurting, I want desperately to reach out to them and help them get back up off the ground. I want to help them heal, I want to help them feel better. I hate that I can't always help. I hate that I can't even help myself. I hate that I'm not who I want to be. I'm not the girl I always thought I'd be. I think I always expected to change drastically when I got to a new place. The thing is, transitions and changes don't happen that quickly. They happen over time. It's so difficult to pretend that I don't miss you, I wish I actually knew who "you" was... I've lost a place to shove my feelings... Placing love off and onto different people. I wish I knew who it was I actually loved... I know that I miss him... I know that I hurt because we aren't together anymore... It's so difficult to pretend that I'm okay. Not that I'm not okay, I'm fine, but I'm hurting too. Break ups aren't easy... I miss my mom... I wish she was here, I wish she were able to just hold me or scratch my back as I sobbed into my pillow... I can't wait to be home for spring break... I've never missed anyone like I miss my mom and dad right now. I've never not had them around to help me through a break up before... I just can't wait to see them, I'll probably cry. I just want to be able to hug them both and cry my bloody eyes out. I wish Daniel was back from the retreat, he always knows just how to cheer me up, and make everything better... I think I'm falling in love with him...

10 March 2011

Where to begin? My life seems to be in shambles... It's mostly my fault too. That's probably the worst part. Actually, I don't know if that is. I think I'm just so lost right now because my life is lacking direction and stability. I have lost control over my future, and I absolutely hate taht. I hate feel like I have no control over anything. It's one of the worst feelings in the world... Feeling like there's absolutely nothing you can do to make things better... I hate it. I really wish that I was able to fix this. I wish I could give my father a job in Missouri, and I wish that I could claim residency. I wish that I could be independent, I wish that I wasn't financially dependent upon my parents. I wish that I could see them. I just wanna sit on the couch and cry, and I want my parents to be there holding me. I miss them, and I just want and need their love right now. I hate what is happening to us. I hate what is happening in our lives. It's so hard not to be angry at God. I know His plan is best, and I know that He will provide. But where is He right now? God where are You? Where are You? I need to feel Your arms around me, helping me make it through each day. I need to know that it's going to be okay. I feel so incredibly alone in this fight. I know I'm not, but I feel so isolated. I feel as if there is nobody who can understand this. There are very few people that actually could. I feel like crap. I just don't understand what is happening. I don't understand, I feel like I've lost everything. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know that right now I'm an education major. But what the heck is that about? Honestly! I don't think I'd be very good at that. I mean, I think I could do it, and I could do it well, but the thing is, it's not where I'm passionate. I want to help people, but I feel like teaching isn't where I'm supposed to be. I feel like what I really need to do is just do something with marine biology. I absolutely love being around animals like dolphins, stingrays, and whales. I think they are some of God's most beautiful creations. I don't know why I'm not doing something with that, oh wait, yeah I do. It's because it's not a guaranteed job. I'm just so sick of not being able to pursue what I want. I feel like my life is dictated by everything but what I want for myself.

3 March 2011

My life is finally shaping up quite a bit. Suicidal tendencies are slowly fading, which is definitely a huge plus. I'm doing my homework,and I've gone to all my classes this week. I'm also doing the reading for classes, and reading the newspaper. I've also been doing yoga at least once a day for at least 10 minutes. I've been feeling a lot better about myself too. I think that's partially from the exercise, the medicine, and going to all my classes, and doing all my homework. I'm currently working on a paper for English over the book The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane. It was a magnificent book, that definitely met up to all of my expectations. The paper is about whether or not we think that the main character, Henry has grown psychologically. I am taking the stand point that yes, Henry started to grow psychologically, however, when he returned to his comrades, he regressed back into his self-centered mind frame. I have lots of textual evidence for this opinion, and I'm very excited to begin working on this paper.
My TDP class will be ending soon. We only meet two more times, and we only have one more assignment. I have done all of the assignments except one, which was only worth five points. It's also a pass or fail course, so there is no way I could fail. Even if I skip the last assignment. We only have to receive 35 points out of 50. So far, I have received probably 40 points. I'll know by Monday. She has yet to grade 2 assignments, although one of them isn't due until Sunday night. I am very excited to pass this class. It won't affect my GPA at all, which is disappointing, but it's a gen ed down for my degree, something I am excited about. Changing my major to education was a brilliant idea. I cannot wait to begin taking more TDP classes, and learning more about teaching and history. I definitely feel like this fits me wonderfully, and it's a career I will deeply enjoy, and will find deeply rewarding as well. I am finally very excited for the future, which once again seems to hold lots of possibilities!(:

28 February 2011

I met a man today, he's 92. His wife is in the hospital, they've been married for 71 years. That's a very very long time. He loves her deeply, and it was so moving to see. I hope that if I live to be that old, I have someone who loves me that deeply, and knows me intimately.
I'm also hoping that I can start to become better. As in, weighing less, or looking better. I'm starting yoga. I'm going to start doing 20 minutes a day, which isn't much, but it's better than nothing. I'm sure I'll be able to tell a difference too. I can feel a difference already. I just feel more productive and accompllished. I'm sure that the added endorphins help a lot too(: I'm still on the Zoloft and now the birth control as well. I'm hoping that everything will start to balance out soon, the birth control has made me a little sensitive lately. Hopefully it'll pass though.
I'm behind in my classes. I need to finish The Red Badge of Courage for English, and a chapter for Political Science. I also need to read the paper, and a critical essay. I have to try to catch up with my Mythology class too.. Thankfully I'm doing just fine in my Music class. I even turned in the concert report today, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't make it to a concert or write the report. I did though, and that makes me super happy. I feel like I'm finally starting to maybe figure this out a little bit more... I just want to learn all of a sudden. My thirst for knowledge is finally coming back slowly, despite the hurt from the past. I'm so excited to learn, and although I still dread classes, I'm always glad when I go to class. I always feel better, knowing that I'm trying to grow my knowledge, vocabulary, and abilities. I think if I keep going to classes and stuff, my life will turn around a lot. I think that the depression will slowly fade. The depression keeps me isolated in my room, in my bed, a lot of the time, and then I always feel worse because I'm not doing anything or interacting with anyone. I feel like if I continue to force myself out of bed in the mornings, I'll be okay. I'll make it through one day at a time, and eventually pull out of this some pretty decent grades... It also helps a lot that I have so many people praying for me. I love my family and friends, they are solid.

Made a wrong turn once or twice...

Bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my silly life...

I wish I remembered a time when I was happy. Almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting uphill battles daily against cutting, suicide, and depression. Many people say they wish that they could back to when they were young and innocent and happy. I wish I had a time in my past like that. I've been in and out of therapy since 5th grade, and I may have to go back soon. I have this insane desire to run to the bathroom and just chop off most of my hair... Or to just run away... To pack my backpack full of clothes and my laptop and just leave... I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, but there's got to be somewhere better for me... I was born with a fiery spirit, a spirit of rebellion... I guess that too many years of sadness started to tame me. I'm trying to cling to a strand of hope... I'm not sure there is one. Not for me. You can't escape from your past, it's always there to haunt you. If I can't escape the memories of my past, I'll never live a happy life. The past has made me who I am, and it's part of me. I'm just a tragic story. It could've been so much worse, I realize that. I just wish that for as good as I'd had it, it hadn't been so bad.
I wish I could pretend it all away... Wish away all the pain.

I want to get wildly drunk, and get a tattoo I'll regret. I want to do crazy things, and still study. I want to make a billion mistakes, and learn from all of them. I want to figure out who I am... But I can't, because I'm still living my life so much for other people. Or maybe I'm just scared out of my mind of getting hurt again, so I hide in my room... protecting my heart by isolating myself. I just need to heal from the past first... I just can't handle being hurt again right now.

10 February 2011 Another Free Write

God where are You? Where is Your comforting embrace? Where is Your mighty hand? Where is your outstretched arm? Where is my Savior? Where are You God? Are You by my side? Are You holding me in your arms? Are You behind me and in front of me? I cannot feel You right now. I need Your love so desperately. I'm so afraid, so tired. I fear for the future, what will become of my parents? What will become of my education? I know that there is hope, but there is always hope. I need a hope, a reassurance, from You. Where are You? I know that You're always near, I know that You have a plan, but I really don't understand Your plan right now. I'm so lost and confused. I'm frustrated, irritated, and hurt. I think I'm mostly hurting right now. I'm concerned for my parents, all that they are going through. I'm uncertain of what is happening right now. Where are You? Do You still love me? Do You still hear my voice calling out for mercy? Do You still walk by my side, holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be okay? That You're in control? Lord, where are You? Why am I the one to always go through hardships? Why do they get such easy, wonderful lives? Why am I left to struggle with depression, finances, and relationships? Why do I feel as though I've been left to die in a desert... I need to feel You by my side Lord. I need to know that You created me for Yourself, that I have a purpose, a big purpose. I need to know that my life has a meaning... I need to know that in this life, I am going to do great things, even if they seem small to others. I need to know that I'm worthy... I don't know how You can love me, how You look at me and see beauty... When I look in the mirror, I see a girl that is still a little afraid of the world. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of falling down again, afraid of getting back up. Afraid of believing... Afraid to understand, afraid to question, afraid to answer. Do You know how difficult this is? Lord, where are You? Are You by my side? Am I curled up in Your strong arms? Save me Lord, because only You can... Save me Lord, because I'm worth saving... Save me because You call me lovely, You call me friend, You call me beloved, You call me Queen. Show me all the beauty that You see in me. Bend down to feed me, to heal me. Bend all the way down into this hole I dug for myself. I'm staring at the ground, the blood that I've spilt. Bend down to lift my face from darkness, to pick me up from death to let me try again. Who are You that You still love me? This love that keeps me safe when I run... when I'm young and foolish. Hold me gently Lord, until I fall asleep. Cover me in your light, cover me in Your armor, the armor none can pierce. Give me Your hope and Your love. Love me... because I need You.

10 February 2011

So today has been extremely... interesting. I woke up and didn't go to my 9 am today. I was just too tired and we're allowed to miss two days, so this one was my first. It's also only an 8 week course, so technically, I'm allowed to miss an entire week. I wouldn't want to do that though. It's my TDP 1100 class. I like it a lot. I am working on my 4 year plan. I talked to my mom today about transferring. She said I probably wouldn't have to. Which makes me very excited. She said that if they move out of state, they'll let me establish residency here. She's looking into establishing residency and stuff this weekend. I also realized that I can get 3 A's and 1 B this semester and be able to keep my scholarship, which is super exciting. Another thing that I figured out was that I need to go to my classes and start trying. I can't jsut keep telling myself I can't do it, because I can. I can do this, it'd be pretty difficult, but now that I don't have to get all A's, I feel a lot more confident. Especially since the classes I'm in are ones I really enjoy. I love mythology, and I'm learning to love classical western music as well. English is my favorite subject, and I love Political Science as well. I'm really excited. I feel like I'm finally pulling out of the depression. Hopefully the meds are working, and hopefully the antibiotics will get rid of this nasty sinus infection. I'm really not a big fan of it. I've messed up quite a bit so far in the semester, but it's still early, so I can definitely still make it up. I have to go to a concert and type up a report over the concert before the 28th of this month for my music class. I'm excited for it, but I'm also a little nervous, I'm hoping that I'll do well. I really need an A in that class. I'm saving the B for English, because I know that that class is going to be the most difficult for me. Even though it's my favorite subject. Our professor grades really hard, she gives college level work a C. That scares me a little bit. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep praying and making my way through life the best that I can. After all, if I give it my all, what more could anyone ask from me? Nothing. It's time I started believing in myself more. I just need to have a little bit of faith. Cause it's all gonna be alright. Truly, it is. I have some ridiculous amounts of hope right now.. Hope for a future as a teacher. I hope that I will be a good English teacher. I still have so much to learn, and the idea of teaching in 3 years scares the pee outta me. It's so nerve racking. Thankfully, I'll be certified to teach anywhere from 5th grade to seniors in high school. I'll also be trying to get a master's in Psychology and Counseling. Or going to law school. Which means I need to get at least a 3.5 gpa overall when I graduate. Hopefully I can do it. I just don't always know how to balance a social life with an academic life. For me I seem to be too socially involved that I neglect my academic world, or I become so active in the academic world that I neglect my friends. It's pretty difficult to figure it out. I think that's just a freshman thing though. At least that's what I've been told. I just have to become more studious. I have to actually go to all my classes. I'm going to set up a reward system for myself for good grades and going to classes. I'm really excited. There is so much potential for this semester. I know I have it in me, hopefully I can pull it out of me to know what I'm capable of. That'd be really great. I don't know what I'm capable of to be honest, and I think it's time that I find out. God help me do this. I have so much difficulty finishing things I start. I think I can do this. I know I can do this. So many people believe in me, and I know that there are people depending on me to graduate and make something of myself. I want to prove those people right, and I want to prove other people wrong. I want to prove the people who said I would never amount to anything, that I was a worthless waste of space, wrong. I am a valuable treasure, especially in God's eyes. I am a special, beautiful individual. Tattoo and piercing and all of me. I have value. I am more precious than any diamond, or any pearl. I am beautiful in my imperfections. I am beautiful in my flaws and asymmeticality. I think I finally am starting to believe in myself. It's an amazing feeling. A little exhausting, yes, but absolutely fantastic. It's nice to have taken my life into my own hands, and to be doing what I want to do. To be making my own decisions. Getting that piercing was possibly the best decision I've ever made. There's nothing wrong with getting that pierced, honestly, there's nothing wrong with it, and it makes me feel even more beautiful. I'm so excited for life right now. Probably because my thoughts have changed to a much more positive undertone. It's amazing how much your thoughts influence your mood. Hopefully I can just start focusing on the positive. I still need to read Galations 3 for bible study, which is in like 15 minutes. Yikes. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get it done. This free write only has one more minute left anyway. I love this new mixed cd I got from Helene. It's very different, but very uplifting. There is hope for my future. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me(:

9 February 2011

Last night was probably one of the best nights of my life. I spent the night at Christian's house. I was sick, and felt like crap. I still feel like crap. We just cuddled a lot, and it was wonderful. Ben texted me and freaked out over nothing, and I got pretty mad. So, I guess Ben and I had our first fight. Although, he'd be a lot more mad if he knew I'd spent the night with another guy. The thing is, I care about Ben a lot, I just... I'm not in love with him. I'm not super attracted to him physically either. I also feel as though, he's not really into me as much as he claims to be. Like I called him and he wasn't even paying attention to me, and I had to repeat everything I said at least once. It was horrible and extremely irritating. And one of the biggest pet peeves I have, is asking "What do you wanna talk about" when there isn't a real reason to ask that. Like last night, when Ben and I were on the phone, and he asked me that. I was so angry. I know I'm sick and I'm pmsing, so I know that I overreacted, it just made me really mad. Don't ask me what I wanna talk about simply because you have nothing to say, because you don't really wanna talk. I hadn't talked to him all day. And I didn't talk to him today either. I'd say it sucked, but honestly, I didn't even miss him. I don't know if that's just because I don't usually miss people or if it's because I'm just not into him like that... He's a great guy, just... probably not the guy for me. I mean, yes, he is a lot of what I've always wanted... Just... I don't know, maybe what I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all. So that's just awesome, having my world flipped upside down again, and having to refigure stuff out. I feel like I'm doing a lot of that lately. It sucks, I'm not a huge fan of it. So, anyway, back to spending the night with Christian... We just laid there, and we watched random freaking tv shows on netflix, and talked. It was amazing. I spent like, 24 hours with him. For me, that's a crap ton of time to spend with anybody. Afterwards though, I still wasn't sick of him, I didn't wanna leave. I just wanted to lay there forever, curled up next to him... I wanted nothing more than just to be there for the rest of my life. Next to someone who thinks I'm gorgeous... Someone who is brutally honest, but someone who cares deeply about people. Someone who can understand depression, and the things I've been through, but someone who isn't going to be a "project" or someone I have to "fix." Christian isn't a "project," although yes, he does have his issues, he is pretty quiet, easy to talk to. He's laid back, he didn't mind that I hadn't shaved in like a week, or anything like that. It was so nice to just relax and be myself completely. It was magnificent, I couldn't have asked for anything more. It was so much fun. He makes me feel like I'm beautiful, in a way that Ben does but doesn't. I think that's probably because my love language is physical touch, and Ben is 8 hours away... I'm not sure though. Because I may be transferring to a school 8 hours from here, and when I told Christian, he was just like, okay, well that doesn't change my mind, I sitll want to be with you. That was something that just kinda... stuck I guess. Because Ben was like, let's be together but not really together. That bothers me a lot. Another thing about Ben that bothers me is that he's been up until 6 am for the last several weeks talking to girls that are flirting with him on facebook. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, I just don't understand it. I guess it's because I have trust issues. I just don't really like that someone I'm possibly going to be dating has mostly girl friends. Especially when they're pretty and flirty. I mean, I don't know. Maybe if I knew them, or if he talked about them to me, or talked about me to them, or rejected their flirtatiousness... But Ben doesn't do that... That really really bothers me. There's just a small voice in the back of my head telling me not to trust him, so I don't. Not completely. I usually have that with all people, but I realize how brutally honest Christian is, and I feel like I can trust him a lot more. That's a huge comfort to me. I feel like... Being pursued feels amazing. I feel like it's worth it... I feel like, Ben is a great friend, but maybe that's all we should be. I feel like I should give Christian a legit chance, because I'm starting to really like him. He understands me, although I'm sure part of that is because he's a psych major. That tends to help out a bit. I just... I feel a lot more comfortable with Christian, and I find him a ton more attractive, and he's a lot more masculine. I'm just not a fan of guys that look gay... Like Ben... I mean, honestly, what guy wears a scarf? I mean, I'm sure there are guys that do, but it just looks so gay! I just want someone a little bit more masculine than that. I also want someone who is stronger than me, and I'm definitely stronger than Ben. He's a small, weak kid. He couldn't ever hold my weight. So, yeah. That's my free write for today(:

February 2, 2011

I'm finding myself again. It's a new and wonderful experience. I'm discovering what I want to do, what I like, what I love. I'm excited for the future, it's going to be wonderful. I'm trying new things as long as I want to do them. I'm making decisions on my own, and thinking for myself. I'm going to become my own person, and stop trying to please everyone, because not everyone can be happy all at the same time. Sad, but true. And in the end, I'm stuck in my own head. At the end of the day, I'm hiding in my own thoughts and hopes. So it's time for me to not be afraid or sad or holding back anymore. I'm letting go and just finding myself. I wanna know what I like to do, what I want to do, what I want to do with my life. What kind of person I am, what kind of person I want to do. I'm excited. This is a new relief like nobody could believe. Not living my life for other people, is incredibly liberating! I started big, I got a monroe. The piercing. As in, above my top lip, on my left side. I like it. A lot. Other people seem to like it as well. My parents aren't too happy about it, but that's okay. They said they still loved me, and that makes me feel better. I know that I've disappointed my father, but in the end, he'll realize that I'm not his brother, I'm his daughter. I'm stronger than his brother, and wiser than his brother was when he was my age. Everything is going to be alright. I'm finally starting to live my life for me as well(:

Logan and Ben

Logan, finally, has given me closure. I have been officially rejected by him, and I can now move on. I can now give my heart to Ben completely, the way he truly deserves. I feel better, as though I finally took the bandaid off of a wound which has turned into a scar that is quickly fading.
Ben treats me like I'm a princess. He loves me so much, and I love him so deeply. He is everything I could've ever asked for, and so much more. He is my knight in shining armor, my sunshine, the spring in my step. He helps me grow as a person, and desire to be a better person. He is truly amazing. I've never been so happy with anyone ever before.

Logan v. Ben

So many thoughts and emotions flooding my being right now. Wondering if I should move on from Logan, and stay with Ben. What am I doing? I love Logan. So very deeply. He is my soul mate in almost every single way. It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and still I'm not over him. That says something huge. I've never liked a guy for that long before. Ever. I've never been able to not move on. I mean... I don't know. I just don't know. Am I waiting around for something that will never ever happen? Am I wasting a chance with an incredible guy? What should I do? I'm so confused. This is so difficult. I wish I knew what to do... I wish I knew if Logan was serious when he said he still had feelings for me, and that he missed me. I just I'm not sure anymore. I feel like Logan will never love me as deeply as I love him.. But at the same time, Ben will love me and treat me the way that I always wanted Logan to. I've waited a freaking year and a half... for Logan. Truly, I never once even started to like another guy because... Deep down, I just, I knew, I always wanted Logan. I can't seem to let go of him. I want him to be the one I walk down the aisle to, the one I give everything. The one I have children with. The one I laugh with, cry with, and love for the rest of my life. Is this something that's possible? Or should I pick myself up, give myself closure, and move on?

Despite multiple attempts

to get over you, I still love you. Despite multiple attempts to find closure, I still want you. I still want to figure out if you're the one for me. I never once stopped loving you.
Logan.
You will always have a huge chunk of my heart. I will never completely move on. I will never completely heal.

I have officially survived the following in my lifetime

3 bomb threats in high school
2 earthquakes
1 blizzard
1 car crash thanks to ice on the road
1 suicide attempt
1 fall down a flight of stairs while texting
3 molestations
1 awful roommate
9 moves
1 semester of college
1 walmart trip before the blizzard
1 52 yr old hitting on me
3 huge heart breaks
2 years of living in a 3rd world country
1 time screaming jesus loves you in creole into a voodoo temple
2 demon sightings
1 dog attack
1,000's of swim practices
1 time swimming with sting rays at the beach

many more to come(: