9 February 2011

Last night was probably one of the best nights of my life. I spent the night at Christian's house. I was sick, and felt like crap. I still feel like crap. We just cuddled a lot, and it was wonderful. Ben texted me and freaked out over nothing, and I got pretty mad. So, I guess Ben and I had our first fight. Although, he'd be a lot more mad if he knew I'd spent the night with another guy. The thing is, I care about Ben a lot, I just... I'm not in love with him. I'm not super attracted to him physically either. I also feel as though, he's not really into me as much as he claims to be. Like I called him and he wasn't even paying attention to me, and I had to repeat everything I said at least once. It was horrible and extremely irritating. And one of the biggest pet peeves I have, is asking "What do you wanna talk about" when there isn't a real reason to ask that. Like last night, when Ben and I were on the phone, and he asked me that. I was so angry. I know I'm sick and I'm pmsing, so I know that I overreacted, it just made me really mad. Don't ask me what I wanna talk about simply because you have nothing to say, because you don't really wanna talk. I hadn't talked to him all day. And I didn't talk to him today either. I'd say it sucked, but honestly, I didn't even miss him. I don't know if that's just because I don't usually miss people or if it's because I'm just not into him like that... He's a great guy, just... probably not the guy for me. I mean, yes, he is a lot of what I've always wanted... Just... I don't know, maybe what I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all. So that's just awesome, having my world flipped upside down again, and having to refigure stuff out. I feel like I'm doing a lot of that lately. It sucks, I'm not a huge fan of it. So, anyway, back to spending the night with Christian... We just laid there, and we watched random freaking tv shows on netflix, and talked. It was amazing. I spent like, 24 hours with him. For me, that's a crap ton of time to spend with anybody. Afterwards though, I still wasn't sick of him, I didn't wanna leave. I just wanted to lay there forever, curled up next to him... I wanted nothing more than just to be there for the rest of my life. Next to someone who thinks I'm gorgeous... Someone who is brutally honest, but someone who cares deeply about people. Someone who can understand depression, and the things I've been through, but someone who isn't going to be a "project" or someone I have to "fix." Christian isn't a "project," although yes, he does have his issues, he is pretty quiet, easy to talk to. He's laid back, he didn't mind that I hadn't shaved in like a week, or anything like that. It was so nice to just relax and be myself completely. It was magnificent, I couldn't have asked for anything more. It was so much fun. He makes me feel like I'm beautiful, in a way that Ben does but doesn't. I think that's probably because my love language is physical touch, and Ben is 8 hours away... I'm not sure though. Because I may be transferring to a school 8 hours from here, and when I told Christian, he was just like, okay, well that doesn't change my mind, I sitll want to be with you. That was something that just kinda... stuck I guess. Because Ben was like, let's be together but not really together. That bothers me a lot. Another thing about Ben that bothers me is that he's been up until 6 am for the last several weeks talking to girls that are flirting with him on facebook. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, I just don't understand it. I guess it's because I have trust issues. I just don't really like that someone I'm possibly going to be dating has mostly girl friends. Especially when they're pretty and flirty. I mean, I don't know. Maybe if I knew them, or if he talked about them to me, or talked about me to them, or rejected their flirtatiousness... But Ben doesn't do that... That really really bothers me. There's just a small voice in the back of my head telling me not to trust him, so I don't. Not completely. I usually have that with all people, but I realize how brutally honest Christian is, and I feel like I can trust him a lot more. That's a huge comfort to me. I feel like... Being pursued feels amazing. I feel like it's worth it... I feel like, Ben is a great friend, but maybe that's all we should be. I feel like I should give Christian a legit chance, because I'm starting to really like him. He understands me, although I'm sure part of that is because he's a psych major. That tends to help out a bit. I just... I feel a lot more comfortable with Christian, and I find him a ton more attractive, and he's a lot more masculine. I'm just not a fan of guys that look gay... Like Ben... I mean, honestly, what guy wears a scarf? I mean, I'm sure there are guys that do, but it just looks so gay! I just want someone a little bit more masculine than that. I also want someone who is stronger than me, and I'm definitely stronger than Ben. He's a small, weak kid. He couldn't ever hold my weight. So, yeah. That's my free write for today(: