God and C

Dear God,
Help me not to love him, even though the selfishness of my heart is begging for his love. I can't ask him to give me something he is not at liberty to give. I can't take away from someone something so wonderful. Something that if I had once had, I would feel inconsolable if I lost him. Especially if it was to another girl.
Sometimes I get the feeling that he loves me too... Things are just... too complicated. He loves his girlfriend, I know, but she drives him insane as well. I guess thats how any relationship goes, huh? I'd just like to think I could make him so much happier. He's just not mine to have or to take. It would be wrong and inexcusable for me to do any of the things I long to do. I can't explain any of the things that I say. So all I can do is hope that he knows. and sometimes, when he looks in my eyes, I think he knows... I hope he does.
Lord... help me...
I'm so confused, and well... confused. :/ I... I'm tired of rejection and loneliness. I don't want to feel this way about someone I can't have. I want to feel this way about someone I can have. Someone free to love me back...
I know I haven't asked You to show me what You want for this situation, I'm sorry. I'm scared to know. I'm scared You will give me an answer that will hurt, an answer I won't like. I know that's incredibly selfish of me. Just, Lord, please, do not ask this of me. Not if I don't have to. Lord I don't want to be alone or lonely anymore... I want someone to love me the way he does, to treat me the way that he does. Lord, just, why can't it be him? Why couldn't it have been him? :( Help me God. Help me. Please. I know that this is my fault. I'm sorry. I need your help so desperately. to get over him... even though I don't want to...
That's the problem too, I know... I'm so sorry. I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go of something or someone that makes me feel the way that he does. Guide me please... Help me let go if thats what is best for me.

Curtis

I tell you I love you all the time, but I don't think you understand. I love you. Really. As in, I'm in love with you. I am not kidding. You are like, one of the first people I ever told about being molested. You were the only person that made me feel like I wasn't damaged, or less of a person or anything. You still made me feel... valuable, special. I can never thank you enough for that alone. After that... you just grew on me. A lot. You've got some things wrong with you, I know, and you have a girlfriend, so I know we'll never be together. That's alright I guess... But the truth is, you're incredible. I'm not sure when I fell in love with you or anything. It might've even been before I dated Sam. It's been a year since I first met you. After I quit, I figured that any feelings I had for you would fade, but I think they may have intensified. Seeing you today has definitely proved that true. I've missed you. So much. I hope that I get to work with you again, because I've missed you more than you know. I don't tell you because I don't want to become a problem between you and your girlfriend. I wish I could tell you though, because the truth is, when you're arms are around me, I feel... better than I have in a very very very long time. I miss you so much.

It's funny, isn't it??

How people can come into your life in ways you never imagined and change you forever? How there are some people you'll never forget? The following posts include some people I will never forget. People that came into my life, and people that touched my life so deeply in ways I never imagined possible.

Did you know?

That I'm not supposed to be alive right now?
That I'm not supposed to be turning 18 in less than two months?
That I should be dead.
It's true.
I'm supposed to be dead. Gone. Buried.
But I'm not.
I'm still here.
Unloveable as ever.
And even less trusting.
And even more afraid.
Lord, help me...
I'm not supposed to be alive.
I am though.
I am alive.
Lord, I pray that I will serve a purpose in my lifetime.

You

I started writing again.
Fiction.
Novels.
I still can't seem to finish them though.
I lack the motivation.
I lack... a lot of things really.
I wish I was capable of completing them.
One in particular.
One that nobody knows I'm writing
One that nobody would guess I was writing about.
One that nobody cares to know about.
But that last one is mostly because they don't care what I write about period.
True. Story.
I am trying to be patient... it's not easy.
I'm trying to wait on You Lord.
It's really difficult.
Just saying.

Sean Rogers

It's funny how over the years, we forget things, we remember things, and we try to erase things. Almost four years ago, I had my heart entirely shattered by you, Sean Patrick Rogers. In retrospect, I'll give you this much, I needed you to be everything, and how could you be everything to anyone? Let alone when you yourself were struggling through mine fields. I think that you were the first person I ever let myself love unconditionally. Whether that was from selflessness, stupidity, or desperation is another matter, regardless of why, however, I did. I loved you. With all my heart, no matter what you did or said. Everytime you were high, and you would yell at me, it hurt more than you'll ever know. Everytime you took her side, that hurt horribly, more than words can describe. Everytime you told me that I "didn't have the guts to kill" myself, made me want to all the more. To prove you wrong. Granted, you were right, since I am still here. I don't know how I am still here. I shouldn't have ever made it this far. I never should've turned 17. And realistically, I never planned on being this close to being 18. I'm almost 18, do you believe that? Four years ago, everyone thought, including myself, that I'd probably die before I was even 16. I'm glad that I'm alive. I'm glad that I never killed myself. I'm glad that I didn't have the guts, now. I wish there was some way that I could adequately explain to you how desperately I needed you, but I can't. I needed you in the exact same way that I needed food, water, and oxygen. I wish that I was, even in some small way, exaggerating. I have so many memories with you. Ironically, my memories from junior high are mostly of you, both good and bad. You made me feel safe. Completely, entirely, safe. When you touched me, or held me, I felt like everything was going to be okay. When you weren't with me, or talking to me, or touching me, or holding me, it felt like my world was collapsing. I felt like I couldn't get up in the morning, stand, breathe, or live. I was wrong to need you so much, to ask so much of you, when you couldn't do any of this for yourself. This is the first time I've tried to explain exactly how much I needed you. To me, you were my protector, my lover, my best friend, my sympathizer, my hope, my guidance, my joy, my light at the end of the tunnel. You were, literally and figuratively, everything to me. I needed to know you loved me, just so I could put one foot in front of the other. I needed you, and you alone, to love me and to see me. To take my side, to hold me, to help me. I was crazy back then, I know. I didn't make things easy. I wasn't easy to love or even to like. You gave me my favorite song, did you know that? She will be loved by Maroon 5. I would listen to it and pretend it was from you to me, and I would feel peace. I would feel like I mattered, or was significant to someone. The song gave me hope. Did you know that I listened to it on the way to every single swim meet? That later on, in high school, I would listen to it almost before every single event I swam? Even though years had passed since you left me. Do you remember how you left me? I don't. Not really, anyway. I know that you were just... gone. All of a sudden, you were gone. You went to rehab, for over a year. I moved shortly after you got out. You got out in June. I remember that... I never saw you again. I moved in October. I remember that while you were in rehab, I had your sweatshirt. That sucker never left my sight. I needed it to feel like in some way you were with me. To make myself believe that you loved me, that you thought of me often. I don't know if you loved me, or if you ever thought of me during rehab, or afterward. It was an absolutely hideous burnt orange color, but I loved it, and you. During church, I was so angry with you for leaving me, that I began to pretty much shred your hoody. That was a revolutionary point for me. I felt like I wasn't tied to you any longer, which wasn't true. I just wanted to feel like, in some way, that I was getting back at you for hurting me, and for leaving me. Someone saw me, and I got in quite a bit of trouble for committing such a "destructive act" in church. I never said anything to her as she sat there and condemned me. She didn't know what she was saying, what she was talking about, or what my "destructive act" was even about. She didn't even know me. Do you remember that night when we were talking on AIM? You started to yell at me, saying that I couldn't handle you. In hindsight, you were very right. But at the moment, all that I could hear or read was that I wasn't good enough. I cried so hard. Then, the night that you tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let you... Do you remember that night? Oh, my heart... I thought it would burst in my chest with all the sadness I felt. The desolation... I cried myself to sleep that night, afraid you were mad at me. I cried these sobs that heaved my entire body and shook my being. My chest was pounding in and out with the weight of the sobs. I wish that I could explain it... The type of tears I cried. The type of desperation I felt. I remember thinking "I'll talk to him tomorrow, and I'll tell him that I will give him everything and anything." Isn't that sick? Isn't that just disgusting? Please know, that I'm not going over any of this to make you feel guilty. At all. You taught me more than you could ever imagine. Strength, independence, and a phobia of being hurt. I say phobia because phobia is the only word that comes close. The kind of extrememe fear, panicking fear. The kind of fear that can control you and what you do. The kind of fear that is relentless, and constricts your chest, makes you feel like you'll die if you don't get away. Oh Sean, all I can hope for you now, is that you're out there somewhere, clean; clean and happy. I don't have high hopes though, I know better than that. You are very possibly the most influential person in my entire life thus far. I want you to know that. I want you to know that years later, after all the damage you inflicted, there have been some incredibly wonderful effects in my life thanks to you.

Grandma

My grandma is in the hospital. Again.
She has pneumonia.
Then she started getting fluids in her heart.
Now, she has to have wires taken out of her heart from old pace makers.
It's a pretty risky surgery.
Hopefully, we will be leaving tonight, so we can be with her.

Dear God (reflections and thoughts and feelings)

"Be still and know that I am God."
God, You are God. I know that.
I know You can fill every need.
I'm just not letting You. I'm sorry.
Help me to be still, and know that You are all I need.
That I don't have to be lonely ALL the time.
That you are here for me, always.
I feel alone, and lonely.
Tonight was fun, but it was also a temptation.
I miss having friends, having a boyfriend.
I miss feeling things other than a dulled ache.
My heart is longing for a friend.
For someone to talk to, to be with.
Someone to care about. Someone to hold me.
This dull ache doesn't go away God.
So I'm giving it to You.
You alone can fix it and You alone can heal me.
This dull ache of loneliness is almost unbearable,
Lord, help me to bear it.
Lord... I miss having a friend.
I know that technically, yes, I have plenty of those
I just wish I had someone to talk to, to really, really talk to.
I don't.
Kasey is slowly becoming distant, Lauren is Lauren, which is great because she's an incredible person, I'm just... I can't tell her the things I struggle with. She never struggles with anything. I mean, she does... but she handles it so well. I'm a mess. I'm scared out of my mind. If she knew, half the things I've done, half the person I used to be... God, I have so much shame in my past. Tonight reopened that shame. God... to be young and innocent and beautiful. Oh Lord, You are God. I beg You to bless me. To heal me. To send me someone I can talk to. Someone I can be with. Someone to hold me. Even if only for a these next three months. God... help me. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I'm sorry I complain so much. I know there are bigger things out there. More important problems and issues. Like a twelve year old that had a two and a half pound cancerous tumor. Like my grandma, who's heart is filling with fluids. I'm sorry God. I'm sorry for so much.
Help me know that I am not alone.

Oh and I know it's ironic

but sometimes the best advise, comes from the most unlikely places.
all i gotta do is stay true to me.
I gotta push through these next 12 school days,
and then I'll be just fine.
I'mma be alright. True friggin story.
You can fight with me,
lie to me,
mock me,
make fun of me,
annoy me,
hate me.
It's not gonna bring me down,
no, not anymore.
I'm done trying, I'm done caring what you think of me.
I am who I am and I ain't changing.
I'm honest, and that offends, but if I was a liar, that'd be so much worse.
The truth always comes out in the end.
Wanna trade shoes?
Wanna see what it's like to be me?
No, you don't.
You may think you do, but you don't.
You haven't a clue what I've gone through.
And I haven't a clue what you've been through.
My story is mine.
I can tell choose who I tell, where I tell it, and when I tell it.
And this is my life.
Prepare for the truth,
it's coming soon.

Father (in Heaven)

Thank You.
You will never ignore me.
You will never stop loving me.
You will never think less of me.
You will never leave me.
You will heal my brokenness.
You will fill every need.
You will fill hole in my heart.
You will never stop listening to me.
You will never leave my side, not even for a millimillisecond.
You will bless me
You will give me peace
You will guide me
You will hold me
You will give me hope, even when all is tragedy and loss when I look around.
You are always. always. always. here for me.
And You love me.
More than I could ever imagine.

Mom

Thanks for everything you do for me.
Thanks for always being there, for helping me out, for helping me make chocolate chip cookies, for making me food. For being a very very good friend as well as my mother. I love you. You are an excellent mom and I don't appreciate you as much as I should, and I don't thank you enough. Thanks for being such an awesome, selfless mom!
And Happy belated Mothers' Day!
(:

Intermediate Algebra & Big Words

We began with esoteric, which means, for the elite, or a specific group.
Now, I give you terminate, retire, and repair.
You can terminate your pets life, someone's job, someone's education. Terminate can mean to kill, or it can mean to end.
Retire, as in, "he's retiring this year." or "I think I will retire to the living room." Retire can mean, ending a job that you've worked at long enough, that when you do quit, you'll still get benefits. Or, it can mean to withdraw from one place to go to another. Repair can mean to fix a broken object, or it can also mean to withdraw from one place to go to another. "I am now going to repair to the living room."
Words.
(:

Creator

You have saved me.
You have rescued me from the grave.
You pulled me from the wreckage.
You discovered me in my hiding place.
You looked for me, though no one else did.
You held me, when all looked lost.
You loved me, when the world hated me.
When I thought I could take no more, You gave me strength and hope.
Words cannot explain... I love You

Dear God

Thank you so much for the incredible blessings You've given me! (:
I am blessed beyond belief (:
I love You.
Help me cling to You Lord.

life

i can't do this anymore
i can't take anymore
i can't stand it anymore
i can't freaking do this

D

oh i'm terribly freaking sorry.
i'm sorry i allowed myself to trust you
sorry that i thought i had found a friend, finally.
sorry that i believed your lies.
sorry that i thought you meant it when you said that i had you to talk to.
sorry that i thought you meant it when you said you'd be there for me,
that we'd hang out more.
wow. you. are. so. freaking. great.
glad that you LIED.
glad that you just HAD to go and hurt me. AGAIN.
screw this. screw you.
i'm not going down without a fight.
just because you have stuck up friggin girlfriend doesn't mean anything.
i fight for what i want. and i'm going to fight for you.
i'm not going to go away.
you're a cool person and i miss you like crazy.
did you really think i was just going to let you go that easy?

Dear Life,

just, for the record, you suck right now.
at least I now have a job...
and I'm going to graduate...
and I'm alive...
and I'm healthy...
and my parents are alive...
and my grandparents are live...
and my dog is alive...
and I get to babysit in a little bit...
I have a lot to be thankful for...
I'm just lonely.

Future Husband

I'm not sure where you are.
I'm not sure who you are.
But I miss you.
I wish you were here.
I know that God's got this planned out perfectly, I just want you to come along soon.
I know you're incredible.
I'm waiting for you... just thought I'd let you know.
I hope you're waiting for me too.
I love you.