Logan Mathew Hicks

I still love you dearly and deeply. I can't let you go, because deep inside I've given you a piece of my heart, and I'll never get it back. You don't seem to understand that... I was willing to love you forever, I was willing to spend the rest of my life loving you and only you. I never meant to fall in love with you... it just happened. I never expected the love to grow the way it did, or to love you so entirely. There are many things I regret. I know I never really treated you the way you deserved the first time we were together. I want you to know, though, I would've given you anything... all you had to do was ask. That's still all you have to do... That and become a Christian. Don't you understand? I would've waited for you my entire life if that's what it'd take. I still would. Oh Logan, if I could make you understand this love...

All My Life

All my life, I've been around "christians."
All my life I've been friends with christians, I've dated christians, and I've disliked christians.
As I sit here on this couch tonight though, I realize that I've never been around christians like these guys. These guys who care about me. These people who care about me so much that they want to make me smile, they want to make sure I'm okay. I've never had this before. I've always been on my own, fending for myself, or getting hurt. This past year I'd been living on a relational island. I can't begin to explain the loneliness I felt. For a while, I felt an intense depression. Then I met God. God has turned my life around. Yet, I had no true christian friends. Until... now. It's been a year. I have no clue why God took so long to give me something I've been praying for since I could pray. I know He had awesome reasons though, because He is all knowing and perfect. I love Him so much. I feel so alone sometimes, and I push Him and everyone else away... I don't know how to be happy. I've been depressed all my life. I don't know how to do life like this. I feel as if I'm supposed to be integrating into a new habitat or something... and I'm failing miserably. I don't know how to do a friendship, let alone a relationship. God I have absolutely no right to ask you for something that I'm not ready for. Something that I absolutely do not deserve or need. You alone Lord know the desires of my heart, and You alone know how my life will turn out. You love me more than anyone could ever even possibly imagine, so I know I will be okay.
"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future."

He's not mine...

I love him so much still. I love him more than any of the girls he's dated, more than they could even imagine. I would give my life willingly for him. I shouldn't love him still... It's been over a year... It still hurts... so badly. Lord, I can't imagine a future without him. God, You alone know how hard I've tried to replace him... None come close. I miss the scar on his lip, the warmth of his embrace, the love written so openly on his face... I miss his smell, his obnoxious sense of humor, I miss my best friend... I'll never have him again. I thought that leaving home, being so far away, I thought that it'd make a huge difference... It hasn't... I still love him. I still can't let go. I still can't let someone else in again, because I never want to be hurt like that again.. I love him. God I don't know how to let him go. I don't know how to not think about him every. single. day. I don't know how to forgive him for hurting me so badly. No, that's not true. I forgave him the second he hurt me. I love him so much. Will I ever find someone? not if i don't let go of him. Lord, I know that's why i'm still single... Help me... I'm so tired of struggling alone.

Today

Is a new day. I will no longer apologize for stuff that is not my fault. I will no longer accept responsibility for other people's actions and mistakes and faults. As of today I will not be a mat that everyone walks all over. I will be strong. I will stand up for myself. I will not let these people treat me like I'm worthless, I will not let them put their problems on me like I'm the source. Unless I really am. I will no longer apologize for other people's baggage. I have my own. I am willing to be there when you need me, but I need people to be there for me too. I need a relationship that works both ways. Lord, give me strength and protection. Help me to stand up for myself. Help me to pour out your love into other people, without becoming a welcome mat. Help me to have patience and compassion. Help me to cling to You. Help me to grow in my faith, and my love for You. Help me make the right decisions Lord. You are the creator of this universe. No matter how many times I say that, think that, or type that, the concept is still entirely unfathomable. Your greatness is unfathomable. Your power is inconceivable. Lord You are... incredible. I wish that words could express Your beauty, power, love, grace, greatness, fearsomeness, and all the other magnificent things You are. Help me to keep my perspective and priorities correct. Lord, I love You. So. Much.

My Life Right Now

I hate college. I hate living with this many other girls. I hate sharing my room with someone selfish and spoiled. I hate going to classes, and being stressed out about grades. I hate not knowing what I want to do with my life. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I want to just drop out of college. I hate that I feel lonely all the time. I hate that I feel like I'm even more alone here than I was at home. Because there are so many people here, and yet, not a single person is like me. I'm so tired of feeling abnormal. I'm tired of feeling like I'm invisible, like I don't matter to the people that are supposedly my friends. God where are You in all of this? Where are You Lord? I need to feel You so desperately. I need Your arms around me. I hate this!! I hate that it doesn't matter where I am... I'm still strange, unwanted, and invisible. God where are You? Can't You hear my cries for help? Can't You give me someone that can help me carry on? Can't You help me trust someone? God why can't I let people in? Why can't I trust people? Why can't I let go of the past? Why can't I let go of Logan? God why the freak do I still love him? Why did I let him hurt me so badly? God... please let him find You. It's been over a year since we dated. It will have been a year in December since I last thought I had him. Lord. I lost him because I found You.. I don't want my life to be without You. Lord I just don't want a life without him either. God... save me from myself. I know Satan is fighting hard. I feel so weak... Lord I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I'm fighting against hundreds and I'm alone. Help me Lord, please help me

God help me have faith

God, I feel so lost right now. I am so stressed and confused and frustrated. Lord I know You have a plan and that You're in control. I know that You love me more than my own mother, more than any guy ever will, and more than anyone else in my life. You want what is best for me, and my family as well. Help me to hold onto You as my family goes through this Lord. We've moved 9 times, and it's killed our budget. Lord, I was going to finally get a car... but I know that with this having happened, I won't be getting one. I don't even know if I'll be able to continue my college education. Everything is up in the air again, and Lord I'm afraid. My biggest fear is easily the unknown. Lord give me peace and hope. Help me know that You are Lord and You in control of everything. Lord help me understand Your incredible, deep love for me. Lord... I'm afraid. I am hurt, angry, lonely... Lord... You created the universe, the sky, the sun, the moon, the stars, the plants, the animals, and man in 7 days. You are capable of everything. Lord, help my parents through this.

my mother and my father and their jobs

my mother just turned in her two weeks notice and received a different job... one she'll like more, but with less hours and the same wage.
my father just lost his job.
we're moving again.

God has given me a gift

God has given me this absolutely incredible gift.
He has given me the gift of love as well as the gift of compassion.
He has given me the ability to feel for people intensely, and to love them even more.
He has given me the trials so I am able to more adequately understand others.
Truly I feel more lonely than I have in a very long time.
Truly I have felt this lonelines longer than I thought I could bare.
Truly God is still with me, loving me, holding me, feeling my pain and my joy.
God is watching over me, holding me in His arms.
God, You've given me this incredible gift of pain.
God You have given me scars to prove how far I have come.
God You have given me the ability to write in order to express myself, and release myself from weights on my heart.
Lord You have given me the ability to write what I cannot say.
Lord I love You.
I have been neglecting You lately.
I am so so so terribly sorry.
I have slipped back into old habits.
Poor language, lust, etc.
Lord forgive me as only You can.
Cleanse me and make me pure in Your sight.
Heal my wounds, and hold me close.
Help me to feel You near me.
Help me to love You more.
Help my faith to grow where it needs it.
Forgive me Lord.. Forgive me.
I'm so so so so so sorry.
So sorry.
I love You.
Thank You for loving me unconditionally, even if the people in my life can't.
Thank You Thank You Thank You

Because

God,
I can't do this without You. I need You more than ever.

Tonight

I feel as if I may suffocate. Weighed down by the guilt, the shame, the fears, the anxiety, the past... and other people's opinions. Everyone seems to hate me so much. And truthfully, I have no clue why. Cody "hates" me... even though he was the one that went off on me, the one that screamed and yelled at me. He told me and called me all kinds of horrible things... Because I wouldn't date him the day after I had my heart broken by Adam. I'm still glad I didn't date him... but I miss him. Glad to know he's doing alright without me I guess....
Spencer.. well I guess Spencer isn't much of a loss. He was so controlling.
I'm just so sick and tired of being lonely. Do you know what that feels like?
The loneliness?
Do you know what it's like to be entirely alone?
Do you know what it's like to lie awake at night wishing beyond anything you've ever wished before that the loneliness would just go away. Just for a moment. So you can remember what it's like to breathe in again?
The guilt from all the things I've done in my life, the things I've said, been... The shame and the fear from my past. Being uncertain. The shame of being used by Ethan.. Not knowing whether or not it was my fault. Do you know what it's like to not know if it was your fault? It's like a constant weight tied to your heart. The question constantly nagging and nipping your mind. "Was it your fault?" The arguments for both sides furiously circling over the question like birds waiting for their chance, waiting to win, so they can eat the question away. But I can't answer that question. Was it my fault? I did say no. If I said no, then it should just be a closed case... but it's not. Why didn't I get up and leave? Did I just feel so broken that I felt it didn't matter anymore?
I know the kind of guy I want to marry,but what guy would even have me? After they know all the mistakes I've made. After they know what has been done to me. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am losing hope quickly. Drowning in the misery. The haunting questions. I want to cry out to God to save me... But something is stopping me... Maybe, deep down, this shadow that's fallen over my heart is truly like a comforting blanket enveloping my being. I know how to do life like this, all broken and fallen and hurting. I don't know how to do life happy. I don't know how to accept rejection, or keep my mouth shut when I'm angry. I hate who I am. And yet, I was made this way on purpose... I still hate it. I hate myself I hate who I am. I would do anything to be someone else. To just let go and stop fighting to stop being stop living stop breathing. Stop feeling the incessant pain and loneliness. Knowing that it's all my fault. It's all my fault I'm alone... Because truly, who would want to be with me? Who would want to love me? who could love me?
God. God can...
Can any human love me? When not even my own father can love me? When not even my own father can love me unconditionally? When my own father does not love me... Doesn't that say something?

I'm marching

I am marching my super senior year...
Lord give me patience, strength, hope, and GUIDANCE.
Help me to listen for Your voice, pay attention to your little nudges.
Help me to love You more everyday, truly, that's what I desire.

It's been a while...

and a lot has changed.
Ignore all blogs refering to C.
God helped me see the light, and release me of the feelings I had toward someone that did not deserve me. Someone that only cares about sex and getting high. God, You saved me once more. Thanks.
It's almost my birthday.
This is a big deal. Not because it's my birthday, but because 4 years ago I would've told you I'd be dead by my 18th birthday.
2 years ago, I was planning on marrying Sam shortly after my 18th birthday.
1 year ago, I was planning on moving out, losing my virginity, and moving in with Tyler.
Instead, I am obviously still alive. I am single. I am not moving out of my parents house, or in with a waste of a man, and I am proud to say that I am still a virgin. I am proud to say I've decided to wait until I'm married actually. I'm a christian now as well.
I just want to say, I was never supposed to be alive right now.
And if I was, life was supposed to be drastically different.
It's strange to think about the fact that my life could've been moving in 3 different directions with 3 different people... instead, my life took a fourth turn. One I wasn't prepared for, but one I'm glad it took.
my birthday is a big deal, because i'm supposed to be dead right now, and i'm not.
it's the most... incredible feeling.

C

I know it wasn't right what happened.
But it did.
And I can't stop thinking about it.
About how much I miss you and love you.
About how much I don't like your girlfriend.
About how wrong she is for you.
About how wrong we would be together... but how right we would be too.
confusion is tearing me to pieces.
it's not your fault, it's not my fault.
your touch is intoxicating, addicting, wonderful
I miss you.
I miss your arms wrapped around me, and not noticing the temperature around us because I'm with you. You can make me smile and laugh no matter what. You help me relax. When I'm with you I feel... incredible. I love the way you make me feel, and I love knowing that I make you feel something for me too. And I know, deep down, that that is wrong... because of her. God help me.

Graduation

I am officially graduating. We had graduation practice today. The senior trip is tomorrow and saturday is the awards thing. Then, on Sunday, I will finally graduate. I can't believe it. It's finally here. I never thought it'd happen. I never thought I'd be alive for this. I never planned on being alive for this. I planned to be dead before I ever turned 17, let alone 18. I'm almost 18. 1 month left. Unbelievable. My senior year has been the best and worst year of my life. I've learned a lot. I've lost a lot, and found a lot. I've been broken and fixed and broken and fixed again. I lost my best friend. She was supposed to be there for me when I needed her most, but she wasn't. And, now, looking back, I don't think she really could've been. We are all fighting our own uphill battles. She was supposed to be the girl at my wedding that I introduced to everyone as my best friend in high school. And... now... She won't be that girl. I'm sorry to see her go, but I think it was the best thing... for both of us.
I lost a boyfriend, and I'm not the same now. He ripped my heart out in a way I never thought he would. He broke me into pieces, the way I had promised no one would ever be able to do again. I was apparently very wrong. I was truthfully, and stupidly, planning on spending forever with him. I loved him to the end of the universe. Looking back, he was a jerk. Straight forward, there you have it. He was a jerk and never worth a second of my time. I'm sorry I wasted so much love on him. But, since it was love, I guess it wasn't wasted, because love is never wasted. I guess, realistically, I had two of these guys. I speak to neither one. Logan, I would've married you. I loved you, and I always thought we would end up together in the end, we were just so wonderful together. Adam, I loved you so incredibly deeply. In a way I didn't think I even could. However, you were manipulative and controlling. I'm glad you broke up with me, it saved me from a crap ton more heartbreak.
I lost myself. I began to cut. I began to flirt with danger, and paid for it. I lost everything. I lost my coach, my sport, my classes. I had to cut back how many classes I was taking, and quit my favorite sport. I lost so much. And gained so much because of that.
I lost another friend... and another friend... and another friend.
I lost a lot of my friends, but then, I realized, my true friends were the ones that were still there. The ones that loved me and supported me as I discovered who I was and what I believed. They were there while I went through this terrible period, and when I began to open up out of my cocoon into an incredible time. So thank you Cheltsi, Emily, Terri, Kasey, Kasey, Lauren, and Amanda.
I even gained a few other friends, like Bryce. (:
This year has taught me so much. It has hurt me so much, and it has healed me even more. I have scars from this year, but they are there to help me remember how far I have come, who I used to be, and how incredibly strong I am.
I am planning on getting a tatto that the incredible artist, Bryce Warner, drew for me.
That's it, the picture up in the left hand corner.
I asked him to draw a butterfly for me with the word rememeber somehow integrated into it.
I chose a butterfly because butterflies start out as caterpillars. They go through this incredible metamorphosis, something I have gone through as well, just not as physical. They go through this period in a cocoon where they are entirely isolated, this completely lonely period. Granted insects do not feel loneliness and other such human emotions. I have gone through some very intense lonely periods. Butterfly is also the stroke I swim. I chose the word remember, because it is always best to remember our pasts, that is one reason why they haunt us, why they're always there whenever we turn around or look back. If we remember our past, we can learn from mistakes we've made. If we remember, we will never forget how strong we are, and all the things we've come through.
I am so proud of myself for how far I have come, and for how far I know I will go in this life. Although, truly, all the praise belongs to God and God alone. He changed me. He reached into the darkness and snatched me from death. You alone, Lord, saved me and brought me to where I am today. Thank You so much. I love You.

God and C

Dear God,
Help me not to love him, even though the selfishness of my heart is begging for his love. I can't ask him to give me something he is not at liberty to give. I can't take away from someone something so wonderful. Something that if I had once had, I would feel inconsolable if I lost him. Especially if it was to another girl.
Sometimes I get the feeling that he loves me too... Things are just... too complicated. He loves his girlfriend, I know, but she drives him insane as well. I guess thats how any relationship goes, huh? I'd just like to think I could make him so much happier. He's just not mine to have or to take. It would be wrong and inexcusable for me to do any of the things I long to do. I can't explain any of the things that I say. So all I can do is hope that he knows. and sometimes, when he looks in my eyes, I think he knows... I hope he does.
Lord... help me...
I'm so confused, and well... confused. :/ I... I'm tired of rejection and loneliness. I don't want to feel this way about someone I can't have. I want to feel this way about someone I can have. Someone free to love me back...
I know I haven't asked You to show me what You want for this situation, I'm sorry. I'm scared to know. I'm scared You will give me an answer that will hurt, an answer I won't like. I know that's incredibly selfish of me. Just, Lord, please, do not ask this of me. Not if I don't have to. Lord I don't want to be alone or lonely anymore... I want someone to love me the way he does, to treat me the way that he does. Lord, just, why can't it be him? Why couldn't it have been him? :( Help me God. Help me. Please. I know that this is my fault. I'm sorry. I need your help so desperately. to get over him... even though I don't want to...
That's the problem too, I know... I'm so sorry. I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go of something or someone that makes me feel the way that he does. Guide me please... Help me let go if thats what is best for me.

Curtis

I tell you I love you all the time, but I don't think you understand. I love you. Really. As in, I'm in love with you. I am not kidding. You are like, one of the first people I ever told about being molested. You were the only person that made me feel like I wasn't damaged, or less of a person or anything. You still made me feel... valuable, special. I can never thank you enough for that alone. After that... you just grew on me. A lot. You've got some things wrong with you, I know, and you have a girlfriend, so I know we'll never be together. That's alright I guess... But the truth is, you're incredible. I'm not sure when I fell in love with you or anything. It might've even been before I dated Sam. It's been a year since I first met you. After I quit, I figured that any feelings I had for you would fade, but I think they may have intensified. Seeing you today has definitely proved that true. I've missed you. So much. I hope that I get to work with you again, because I've missed you more than you know. I don't tell you because I don't want to become a problem between you and your girlfriend. I wish I could tell you though, because the truth is, when you're arms are around me, I feel... better than I have in a very very very long time. I miss you so much.

It's funny, isn't it??

How people can come into your life in ways you never imagined and change you forever? How there are some people you'll never forget? The following posts include some people I will never forget. People that came into my life, and people that touched my life so deeply in ways I never imagined possible.

Did you know?

That I'm not supposed to be alive right now?
That I'm not supposed to be turning 18 in less than two months?
That I should be dead.
It's true.
I'm supposed to be dead. Gone. Buried.
But I'm not.
I'm still here.
Unloveable as ever.
And even less trusting.
And even more afraid.
Lord, help me...
I'm not supposed to be alive.
I am though.
I am alive.
Lord, I pray that I will serve a purpose in my lifetime.

You

I started writing again.
Fiction.
Novels.
I still can't seem to finish them though.
I lack the motivation.
I lack... a lot of things really.
I wish I was capable of completing them.
One in particular.
One that nobody knows I'm writing
One that nobody would guess I was writing about.
One that nobody cares to know about.
But that last one is mostly because they don't care what I write about period.
True. Story.
I am trying to be patient... it's not easy.
I'm trying to wait on You Lord.
It's really difficult.
Just saying.

Sean Rogers

It's funny how over the years, we forget things, we remember things, and we try to erase things. Almost four years ago, I had my heart entirely shattered by you, Sean Patrick Rogers. In retrospect, I'll give you this much, I needed you to be everything, and how could you be everything to anyone? Let alone when you yourself were struggling through mine fields. I think that you were the first person I ever let myself love unconditionally. Whether that was from selflessness, stupidity, or desperation is another matter, regardless of why, however, I did. I loved you. With all my heart, no matter what you did or said. Everytime you were high, and you would yell at me, it hurt more than you'll ever know. Everytime you took her side, that hurt horribly, more than words can describe. Everytime you told me that I "didn't have the guts to kill" myself, made me want to all the more. To prove you wrong. Granted, you were right, since I am still here. I don't know how I am still here. I shouldn't have ever made it this far. I never should've turned 17. And realistically, I never planned on being this close to being 18. I'm almost 18, do you believe that? Four years ago, everyone thought, including myself, that I'd probably die before I was even 16. I'm glad that I'm alive. I'm glad that I never killed myself. I'm glad that I didn't have the guts, now. I wish there was some way that I could adequately explain to you how desperately I needed you, but I can't. I needed you in the exact same way that I needed food, water, and oxygen. I wish that I was, even in some small way, exaggerating. I have so many memories with you. Ironically, my memories from junior high are mostly of you, both good and bad. You made me feel safe. Completely, entirely, safe. When you touched me, or held me, I felt like everything was going to be okay. When you weren't with me, or talking to me, or touching me, or holding me, it felt like my world was collapsing. I felt like I couldn't get up in the morning, stand, breathe, or live. I was wrong to need you so much, to ask so much of you, when you couldn't do any of this for yourself. This is the first time I've tried to explain exactly how much I needed you. To me, you were my protector, my lover, my best friend, my sympathizer, my hope, my guidance, my joy, my light at the end of the tunnel. You were, literally and figuratively, everything to me. I needed to know you loved me, just so I could put one foot in front of the other. I needed you, and you alone, to love me and to see me. To take my side, to hold me, to help me. I was crazy back then, I know. I didn't make things easy. I wasn't easy to love or even to like. You gave me my favorite song, did you know that? She will be loved by Maroon 5. I would listen to it and pretend it was from you to me, and I would feel peace. I would feel like I mattered, or was significant to someone. The song gave me hope. Did you know that I listened to it on the way to every single swim meet? That later on, in high school, I would listen to it almost before every single event I swam? Even though years had passed since you left me. Do you remember how you left me? I don't. Not really, anyway. I know that you were just... gone. All of a sudden, you were gone. You went to rehab, for over a year. I moved shortly after you got out. You got out in June. I remember that... I never saw you again. I moved in October. I remember that while you were in rehab, I had your sweatshirt. That sucker never left my sight. I needed it to feel like in some way you were with me. To make myself believe that you loved me, that you thought of me often. I don't know if you loved me, or if you ever thought of me during rehab, or afterward. It was an absolutely hideous burnt orange color, but I loved it, and you. During church, I was so angry with you for leaving me, that I began to pretty much shred your hoody. That was a revolutionary point for me. I felt like I wasn't tied to you any longer, which wasn't true. I just wanted to feel like, in some way, that I was getting back at you for hurting me, and for leaving me. Someone saw me, and I got in quite a bit of trouble for committing such a "destructive act" in church. I never said anything to her as she sat there and condemned me. She didn't know what she was saying, what she was talking about, or what my "destructive act" was even about. She didn't even know me. Do you remember that night when we were talking on AIM? You started to yell at me, saying that I couldn't handle you. In hindsight, you were very right. But at the moment, all that I could hear or read was that I wasn't good enough. I cried so hard. Then, the night that you tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let you... Do you remember that night? Oh, my heart... I thought it would burst in my chest with all the sadness I felt. The desolation... I cried myself to sleep that night, afraid you were mad at me. I cried these sobs that heaved my entire body and shook my being. My chest was pounding in and out with the weight of the sobs. I wish that I could explain it... The type of tears I cried. The type of desperation I felt. I remember thinking "I'll talk to him tomorrow, and I'll tell him that I will give him everything and anything." Isn't that sick? Isn't that just disgusting? Please know, that I'm not going over any of this to make you feel guilty. At all. You taught me more than you could ever imagine. Strength, independence, and a phobia of being hurt. I say phobia because phobia is the only word that comes close. The kind of extrememe fear, panicking fear. The kind of fear that can control you and what you do. The kind of fear that is relentless, and constricts your chest, makes you feel like you'll die if you don't get away. Oh Sean, all I can hope for you now, is that you're out there somewhere, clean; clean and happy. I don't have high hopes though, I know better than that. You are very possibly the most influential person in my entire life thus far. I want you to know that. I want you to know that years later, after all the damage you inflicted, there have been some incredibly wonderful effects in my life thanks to you.

Grandma

My grandma is in the hospital. Again.
She has pneumonia.
Then she started getting fluids in her heart.
Now, she has to have wires taken out of her heart from old pace makers.
It's a pretty risky surgery.
Hopefully, we will be leaving tonight, so we can be with her.

Dear God (reflections and thoughts and feelings)

"Be still and know that I am God."
God, You are God. I know that.
I know You can fill every need.
I'm just not letting You. I'm sorry.
Help me to be still, and know that You are all I need.
That I don't have to be lonely ALL the time.
That you are here for me, always.
I feel alone, and lonely.
Tonight was fun, but it was also a temptation.
I miss having friends, having a boyfriend.
I miss feeling things other than a dulled ache.
My heart is longing for a friend.
For someone to talk to, to be with.
Someone to care about. Someone to hold me.
This dull ache doesn't go away God.
So I'm giving it to You.
You alone can fix it and You alone can heal me.
This dull ache of loneliness is almost unbearable,
Lord, help me to bear it.
Lord... I miss having a friend.
I know that technically, yes, I have plenty of those
I just wish I had someone to talk to, to really, really talk to.
I don't.
Kasey is slowly becoming distant, Lauren is Lauren, which is great because she's an incredible person, I'm just... I can't tell her the things I struggle with. She never struggles with anything. I mean, she does... but she handles it so well. I'm a mess. I'm scared out of my mind. If she knew, half the things I've done, half the person I used to be... God, I have so much shame in my past. Tonight reopened that shame. God... to be young and innocent and beautiful. Oh Lord, You are God. I beg You to bless me. To heal me. To send me someone I can talk to. Someone I can be with. Someone to hold me. Even if only for a these next three months. God... help me. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I'm sorry I complain so much. I know there are bigger things out there. More important problems and issues. Like a twelve year old that had a two and a half pound cancerous tumor. Like my grandma, who's heart is filling with fluids. I'm sorry God. I'm sorry for so much.
Help me know that I am not alone.

Oh and I know it's ironic

but sometimes the best advise, comes from the most unlikely places.
all i gotta do is stay true to me.
I gotta push through these next 12 school days,
and then I'll be just fine.
I'mma be alright. True friggin story.
You can fight with me,
lie to me,
mock me,
make fun of me,
annoy me,
hate me.
It's not gonna bring me down,
no, not anymore.
I'm done trying, I'm done caring what you think of me.
I am who I am and I ain't changing.
I'm honest, and that offends, but if I was a liar, that'd be so much worse.
The truth always comes out in the end.
Wanna trade shoes?
Wanna see what it's like to be me?
No, you don't.
You may think you do, but you don't.
You haven't a clue what I've gone through.
And I haven't a clue what you've been through.
My story is mine.
I can tell choose who I tell, where I tell it, and when I tell it.
And this is my life.
Prepare for the truth,
it's coming soon.

Father (in Heaven)

Thank You.
You will never ignore me.
You will never stop loving me.
You will never think less of me.
You will never leave me.
You will heal my brokenness.
You will fill every need.
You will fill hole in my heart.
You will never stop listening to me.
You will never leave my side, not even for a millimillisecond.
You will bless me
You will give me peace
You will guide me
You will hold me
You will give me hope, even when all is tragedy and loss when I look around.
You are always. always. always. here for me.
And You love me.
More than I could ever imagine.

Mom

Thanks for everything you do for me.
Thanks for always being there, for helping me out, for helping me make chocolate chip cookies, for making me food. For being a very very good friend as well as my mother. I love you. You are an excellent mom and I don't appreciate you as much as I should, and I don't thank you enough. Thanks for being such an awesome, selfless mom!
And Happy belated Mothers' Day!
(:

Intermediate Algebra & Big Words

We began with esoteric, which means, for the elite, or a specific group.
Now, I give you terminate, retire, and repair.
You can terminate your pets life, someone's job, someone's education. Terminate can mean to kill, or it can mean to end.
Retire, as in, "he's retiring this year." or "I think I will retire to the living room." Retire can mean, ending a job that you've worked at long enough, that when you do quit, you'll still get benefits. Or, it can mean to withdraw from one place to go to another. Repair can mean to fix a broken object, or it can also mean to withdraw from one place to go to another. "I am now going to repair to the living room."
Words.
(:

Creator

You have saved me.
You have rescued me from the grave.
You pulled me from the wreckage.
You discovered me in my hiding place.
You looked for me, though no one else did.
You held me, when all looked lost.
You loved me, when the world hated me.
When I thought I could take no more, You gave me strength and hope.
Words cannot explain... I love You

Dear God

Thank you so much for the incredible blessings You've given me! (:
I am blessed beyond belief (:
I love You.
Help me cling to You Lord.

life

i can't do this anymore
i can't take anymore
i can't stand it anymore
i can't freaking do this

D

oh i'm terribly freaking sorry.
i'm sorry i allowed myself to trust you
sorry that i thought i had found a friend, finally.
sorry that i believed your lies.
sorry that i thought you meant it when you said that i had you to talk to.
sorry that i thought you meant it when you said you'd be there for me,
that we'd hang out more.
wow. you. are. so. freaking. great.
glad that you LIED.
glad that you just HAD to go and hurt me. AGAIN.
screw this. screw you.
i'm not going down without a fight.
just because you have stuck up friggin girlfriend doesn't mean anything.
i fight for what i want. and i'm going to fight for you.
i'm not going to go away.
you're a cool person and i miss you like crazy.
did you really think i was just going to let you go that easy?

Dear Life,

just, for the record, you suck right now.
at least I now have a job...
and I'm going to graduate...
and I'm alive...
and I'm healthy...
and my parents are alive...
and my grandparents are live...
and my dog is alive...
and I get to babysit in a little bit...
I have a lot to be thankful for...
I'm just lonely.

Future Husband

I'm not sure where you are.
I'm not sure who you are.
But I miss you.
I wish you were here.
I know that God's got this planned out perfectly, I just want you to come along soon.
I know you're incredible.
I'm waiting for you... just thought I'd let you know.
I hope you're waiting for me too.
I love you.

Luke

I have so many things I want to tell you.
I also want to hit you.
I want to make you regret what you did to me.
Nothing I say or do will really change this
So if you ever happen upon this,
I want you to know, this isn't really for you.
It's for me.
Forgiving you, that was for me too.

Early morning on August 7, 2008 I woke up to you unzipping my pants on the bus ride home from State Fair Band Day. You kept trying to unzip my pants, and you reached up my shirt. You tried to force my hand up your shorts. That. Was. NOT. Okay. I was so scared, and I was so exhausted. I wish, with all my heart, that I had screamed when I woke up, and when you wouldn't stop. I didn't. I wish I had. I wish I had exposed you for what you were. I wish I had told someone what you did. It took several weeks before I could tell my best friend. My very best friend. The girl that knew just about everything about me. The girl I would've trusted with my life. I was so ashamed. I was so scared. I thought it was all my fault. A year later, on State Fair Band Day, August 7, 2009, I told my story through our show. The show that hit closer to home than anyone ever imagined. I told the world about the heart ache that you caused me. I told the world about how I felt during and afterward. Then I showed the world that it would NEVER happen again. Ever. The world never knew that I had just told them my story. The story that broke my heart and my self esteem. The story that sent me into a tail spin. The story that broke my soul. I had told my story, but I hadn't forgiven you. I was bitter inside. I was so broken. I didn't understand why you had done that to me. Why I hadn't screamed. I didn't stop beating myself up for not screaming, for not telling anyone. It took me over a year to forgive you. Then, on April 18, 2010 I was baptized. For the first time since then, I felt like I had been forgiven for what happened that day. For whatever part was my fault. I felt like my past had been wiped clean. I forgave myself. I forgave you. Completely. I don't write this to hurt you. I write this because God put something on my heart. He spoke to me and He asked me to write my story. In bits and pieces. This is a huge story from my life. It's not as in detail as it could be. It's not exactly a flawless, breath-taking story. It is what it is. It's what I remember. It's what God has begged me to tell the world. Lord, I pray that You will use this in someone's life. I want you to know, it is not your fault! God loves you regardless, He loves you as much as He did when you were first born. He'll love you the same when you die. God's love is constant and consistent. God FORGIVES you. You don't have to walk around with that weight on your shoulders anymore. I've started over. Please, please, believe me when I say that you can too.

Dear God

I feel so alone right now.
I can't feel you by my side right now.
Where have you gone? Where are you now?
I know that You are near, inside my very bones I can feel it.
Lord I love You and I need You.
I can't feel you right now, but feelings are fickle, feelings are fleeting.
My heart is wicked, it is set against me.
Lord I need You I need You I need You.
Man was not meant to be alone...
So why have I been left so alone? Lord I don't know why this is happening, or why I can't feel You by my side. I do know, that You are near me. I see Your face in the trees, the sky, the people around me, the earth, the flowers, Lord You are all around me. I know You are here. Don't let me forget. I'm so sorry for all I've done, all the times I've hurt You, all the times I threw stones at You. Forgive me Lord. Forgive me. Lord draw me near, and heal this broken heart. You alone can fix me. I've built up walls and anger, to keep everyone out. I know why I'm alone, and I know it's partially my fault. Lord help me not to fear being hurt. There's that word again, fear. Fear. What would I do if I wasn't afraid?
If I wasn't afraid, I would stop fearing rejection, broken hearts, bad grades, my past. Lord You did not make me a person of fear. I am a bold, strong person. I know that I can't make it on my own, regardless of how strong I am, but with You, I can handle anything. You can do ANYTHING Lord. ANYTHING. that word is incredible as well. Anything. Lord, if You can do anything, and You love me, then why should I be afraid? What should I be afraid of? Lord I am in awe of You. Thank You. I love You. I'm sorry for ever once doubting. Lord, I fear I am... there's that word again. Lord You made me the way I am for a reason. You created me and said "It is good." I trust You Lord, I love You Lord. Forgive my petty fears. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

slowly but surely

everyone will let you down.
even the ones you thought never would.
I just never thought it'd be like this,
watching everyone slowly surrender,
everyone slowly settle,
everyone slowly giving up.
I'm in need of some inspiration.
someone stay strong, please, for me.
I'm in a need of a brighter day,
a sweeter song,
a steady hand.
Oh why have you given up all your dreams for a tool worth yesterday?
Why have you given in?
Did you buy the lie?
That's no surprise,
I did too for a time.
Please don't quit on me now
We have come so far, it's gonna be alright.
Stay strong and steady,
right ahead, no far ahead, is a brighter day

I forgive you.

Hey, you remember when you called me ugly?
I forgive you.
When you called me worthless?
I forgive you.
When you called me fat?
I forgive you.
When I believed you?
I forgive myself.
When you lied to me?
I forgive you.
When you hurt me?
I forgive you.
When you shattered my heart?
I forgive you.
When you cheated on me?
I forgive you.
When you lead me on?
I forgive you.
When you said you loved me and broke up with me five minutes later via text?
I forgive you.
When you said I was the one that was controlling?
Even though it was the other way around?
I forgive you.
When you did drugs in front of me?
I forgive you.
When you told me you hated me?
I forgive you.
When you made fun of me for my christian beliefs?
I forgive you.
When you lied about me to a bunch of people and made them stop being friends with me?
I forgive you.
When you made me feel guilty for having a bad day?
I forgive you.
When you dated me for a joke?
I forgive you.
When you dated me for a dare?
I forgive you.
When you asked me out and broke up with me five seconds later?
I forgive you.
When you told me I was stupid?
I forgive you.
When you told me I would never amount to anything?
I forgive you.
When you told me everyone hated me?
I forgive you.
When you told me that "i didn't have the guts to do it?"
I forgive you.

I forgive you all.
For everything you've done.
I apologize for the times I hurt you as well.
God has forgiven me.
I hope one day you will too.
I hope one day you will see the truth too.
I hope one day you will understand that I didn't lie to you.
I hope one day you will be able to understand what I meant, where I was, and how I felt.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

I forgive you and love you because God has forgiven and loved me.

God Help Me

I'm tired of being the only one.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of not having a friend.
A real friend.
A best friend.
Someone close by.
Someone I can count on
Someone I can trust in
Someone real.
Someone else who really loves God.
Someone who does have morals and values.
I'm so sick of fighting this uphill battle alone.
It's made me strong, yes
but I can only take so much...
Lord help me...
You didn't make people to be on relational islands,
but that is where I am.
and it's not even really my fault.
I didn't choose this path,
well I guess I sort of did,
when I decided to follow You.
I just don't wanna do this alone.
I have nobody to talk to about You.
I wish I had somebody to talk to Lord.
Someone that cared about me.
Lord I know I am not entirely alone...
only because I have You and my parents.
God I'm so sick of being put down because I don't have a boyfriend. I chose this. I didn't WANT a boyfriend. That doesn't make me less of a person. I'm so tired of feeling degraded because of it. God... If I wanted a boyfriend, You know I would have one. I just want a relationship with a guy that loves You first. I want a guy with a sweet but strong heart. Lord I know You are preparing me for this guy, I just... I'm lonely Lord. I know I'm helping people around me, and I know that I'm inspiring other people, but sometimes the only inspiration I can get is from nature, and from reading Your word. Lord I know that that is good, I just wish that I had somebody. I know that Lauren loves me, and is always there for me. But she doesn't live anywhere near me, and she's got a life of her own. I can't tell her everything I want to. I'm scared out of my mind to tell her half the things I've done. She is the only one I have. She is the only "true" christian friend I have. Lord, why? Why have you left me on this deserted island? Everything happens for a reason, and everything will work for good in the end, but Lord, that doesn't mean it hurts any less now. Lord, I have no idea at all how I am going to make it through the next month or so left of school. I need out so badly. I need out FAST. I need You Lord. Don't leave me. God help me to feel your arms around me, help me to know that you know EXACTLY how I feel right now. Lord help me. Fill me up inside. Give me what I need to get by. I know You will. Lord thank You for the peace You are filling me with. Thank You for all that You do. Lord You are so absolutely wonderful and incredible. I love You Lord. Lord I need You. Thank You for Your incredible sacrifice and testiment of Your love for me. Lord... I need You so much.

Less than 3 months

Until I finally get out of high school.
Less than 6 until I've moved out.
Time isn't going fast enough right now

Memories

I think of you everytime I wear that dress.
I think of you everytime I brush my teeth, wear fuzzy socks, am around leather, everytime I play thief with my family.
I think of you everytime I lock my wheel in my car, or go to the cheap theatre.
I think of you everytime I hear about drugs, alcohol, or AIM.
I think of you everytime I walk by that picture in the hall in the high school.
I think of you everytime I see a teenage mom with her child.
I think of you everytime I see a white truck when I run radar and I hope it's you and that you're speeding, and I feel guilty because I know that that's wrong.
I think of you whenever I play putt putt or see a putt putt course.
I think of you whenever I get a frosty, or see a half pipe, or go bowling, or go by a bowling alley.
I think of you every time I go to class, or go home during free, or go to the park and sit on that swing.
I think of you whenever I see trains, or go by Glenn miller, or go to wendys.
I think of you everytime I see a green jeep, or I hear the name betsy, or I'm driving down country roads late at night, or when I see index cards, or hear about dances. Did you know I've only gone to dances with two different guys? Both broke my heart equal amounts. But when I moved on I realized I was better off without you and that the best thing you ever did for me was to break my heart and leave me.
I think of you whenever I'm on facebook im and smiling really big, or see an orange env phone.
I think of all of you, a lot.
And I miss very few of you.
It is what it is.
I wouldn't have traded those memories, excluding one of you, for anything in the world. But things end for a reason. I know some of the reasons, and I know I will see more in the future.
Thanks for being in my life.

Tennis

Decided against it.

God

You are my prince charming
The one that will love me always,
And save me everytime,
That will be there for me always,
That is beautiful,
And flawless.
Thanks God (:
I love You

Tennis

I've decided to play tennis this year (:
It's my last chance to play a high school sport.
So why not?
It'll help keep me in shape and losing weight.
It'll help me a lot I think.
I'll be around people more too.
I'll be able to still volunteer at the library
And I'll be able to babysit still.
(:
I'm excited and nervous
I'm not sure how it's going to turn out,
But hey gotta give it a chance right?
Thank You Lor for this incredible opportunity!

It's funny

How my mind works.
Incapable of letting go.
My heart is the same way.
Unwilling to let go.
Clinging to the past as if by cutting ties with my past I'd be cutting out my heart as well.
I know though that my past will always be there whenever I want to look back
To examine the events, to inspect them, to turn them over slowly in my hands as if by bringing them up again I will be able to change them or see them differently, see some grain of truth I didn't see before.
Lord help me to let go.
Help me to move on.
Help me to be fearless.

When the time comes

If the time comes
What will I do?
How would I answer the question?
When all reasoning is gone?
When the blood is pounding in your ears? Heart thumping like it'll bounce from your chest?
Will I state death in the face and calmly say "yes I believe in God, and I will never denounce Him!"
Or will I cry and plead and sob and blubber?
Will I beg for my life?
Or will I stand strong in my faith?
I hope that when the time comes I will feel my body flooded with Gods peace, that I will find comfort in the end that I will not weep for myself. That I will say "Lord forgive them for they know not what they do." that I will calmly look at the gun or knife of whatever and that I will look in my killers eyes until I breathe my last. I hope I pray that's that's how I will meet my end, with feirce courage and calmness.
Lord don't let me choose my life over You.

My life

Screaming
Or dead angry silence.
I never know which to expect.
Walking on egg shells all day long.
Confusion
Anxiety
Frustration
Sadness
I'm not quite sure what to do or say.
Regret
Guilt
Shame
Loss
Lord please rescue me.
I need to feel You by my side
Cause I'm drowning in this whirl pool,
This whirl pool of hate that is my house.
God I'm so sick of everyone being sad and mad and bitter and cynical.
It feels as if hope is dying slowly in this home.
I can't help but hate the church.
More and more each day.
Bitterness
Cynicism
Where is the hope?
Where is the joy?
Where is the peace?
I have it secured inside of me.
I feel it still.
I just don't understand why
My dad is so furious and upright all the time
I mean I guess I do understand.
I'm just so frustrated and sick of this.
Of the angry tense silence.
The yelling the screaming
God hold me in Your arms tonight
I'm sick of being alone.

I've lost some weight

Which is good.
I've got a 12.0 out of 12 right now (:
I'm keeping up on my homework.
I've got my job back. I may start working this week.
I'm signing up for summer orientation.
My life is going good.
Unfortunately though, I haven't been spending as much time with God as I need to.
Lord I pray for determination in my relationship with You, in school, in my new diet thing, and in reading my Bible.

Lean cuisine

Has the best frozen dinners like ever.
The four cheese pizza=amazing
Beef and broccoli is delicious
Stuffed cheese rigatoni is also grand (:
Just saying.

Last night

I had some cheese crackers and a slice of chicken and ham stuffed crust pizza.
Today
I've had a pop tart, 2 slices of bread, a small pizza that was only 360 calories, 3 Oreos, and a thing of yogurt. I know it's a lot more than usual. :/ but that's okay.

Lord I'm sorry I haven't spent as much time with You. At least not the amount of time I should be spending with You. Lord help me stay strong, help me to spend more time with You. Lord I pray that You will take away the temptations to use foul language. Lord thank You for helping me to just be honest with Ben. Being rejected is never easy. Thanks for the help You gave me in making a decision in regards to Ben, deciding whether or not I should date him. Thank You for guiding me and showing me what way You wanted me to go Lord. I love You Lord and You are such an incredible, awesome God. Thank You so very much for all You have done with me, and for me. I pray that I will lead a life pleasing to You and that I will follow the straight and narrow road that will lead me to You. Lord I pray for forgiveness because I know I have sinned and am deserving of death. Lord, forgive me.

Today

I've eaten a potatoe and a pop tart.
And worked out (:
I took a nap and just woke up.
I'm finally hungry so I may grab a light snack before going to my friends to make pizza.

Today

Breakfast was a pop tart.
Lunch was a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and chocolate milk.
Snack was a low fat 90 calories chocolate chunk bar.

Crap.

So today is by far not the best day I've done so far on eating healthy. Oh well. I'll do better tomorrow(:
Had a great time today watching the boys swimming sectionals.
And talking to my dad.
I'm super tired.
Bed time soon I think. (:
Goodnight.

God please help me.
Take my heart and my life reshape it according to Your will.
Help me to be less selfish and proud. Help me to lead a life pleasing to You.
Forgive me for all the stupid horrible things I've said thought and done. I am entirely undeserving of You, yet You love me still. Thank You for all the incredible things Youre doing in my life. Lord no words are enough to express my thanks. I love You Lord, forever and ever and ever. Help me I be more patient more compassionate and more quiet. I love You. In Jesus name, amen.

Calorie counting

Is done.
I'm going to focus on eating healthier but I'm afraid that if I count calories as obsessively as I have the last couple days I could end up with an eating disorder or something l0l so no more counting calories for me.
I've eaten pretty healthy today (: I'll probably grab an apple to go on my way to the guys sectional meet tonight and have a hot dog for dinner. I'm gonna lose weight. Just gotta do this a more moderate way so I will be able to maintain it. (:
Took four tests today, I did great on all I them with the help of my awesome God!

Total for today

1,218 calories (:
Also did my homework.
That I've been putting off for daysssss.
Thank You Lord so much for giving me the help I needed to stop procrastinating. Thank You for all the incredible things You have done, You are doing, and You will do. I love You Lord and there is truly none like You.
Thank You for loving me.

Lunch dinner and snack

Lunch- turkey sandwich and an apple
Snack- half of a mr goodbar
Dinner- peanut butter sandwich

Lunch dinner and snack

Lunch- turkey sandwich and an apple
Snack- half of a mr goodbar
Dinner- peanut butter sandwich

Breakfast

Cookies n cream pop tart 190 calories.
water and a multivitamin.
Last night I did ten push ups.
This morning I am going to do the ab work out and run and do like 20 push ups then go to school l0l

Proverbs 31:30
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Makes me feel better when I don't feel beautiful or charming like all the other girls in this world l0l (:
God I love You so very very much.
I need You.

Total for today

1,498 calories.
More than yesterday.
But that's all right.
Didn't work out. Crap.
Tomorrow I will.
Well maybe I'll do some push ups before bed. (:

Dinner and snack

For a snack I had yogurt. 190 calories.
Dinner: peanut butter sandwich. 1 tablespoon peanut butter 95 calories, 2 slices white bread 150.
Desert: reese cup 80.
Need to work out still.
Probably some push ups and running for 30 minutes.

God I love You

Thank You so much Lord for helping me so far in this "eating right and exercising" thing. Thank You for all You do. I love You and I need You.

Lunch

Turkey sandwich. 3 slices of turkey and white bread only. 173 calories. (:

Last night and this morning (:

Last night I got a little hungry but instead of reaching for the high calorie high fat sugar rushes, I grabbed some terriyaki jerky. I'm not entirely sure how much of a serving I ate but it was less than one. So less than 80 calories. (: then I was a little hungry and needed to wake up a bit so I indulged in an Oreo. 70 calories. So yesterday I ended up with roughly 1,300 calories. Today I'm going to try to get some veggies in too.

This morning I had a single cookies 'n' cream pop tart. 190 calories. (:

Snack and dinner and working out

I ate yogurt for a snack. 180 calories.
Dinner was garlic bread 320 calories.
Desert, an Oreo 70 calories.
Working out: ab workout (ab ripper-x)
And running/jogging for 30 minutes.
I'm doing alright (:
So far 1,173 calories.
I also found a picture of myself,
From two years ago when I was at my skinniest. For motivation.
My goal is to lost 20 or more pounds.
However i'd prefer to lose inches more than pounds.
So.
I may start taking measurements instead of weighing myself.
Well we will see huh?

Lunch

Was good.
So far today I've only consumed like 603 calories.
I need to work out sometime soon today.
I'll probably do my ab work out and run for like 45 minutes and do push ups. (:

Breakfast

Doing good so far.
No school today.
I'm going to cry.
This school year is never going to end :(
God... Help.

New purpose for blogging

Starting tomorrow
I'm going to keep track of what I eat.
And the calories.
And my weight.
I need to start eating healthier and working out more.
I joined the gym last Tuesday.
I'm planning on going pretty much everyday except Sunday and Wednesday. I will also be doing an ab workout everyday.
It's time to start taking care of myself.
This won't be easy.
So now I'm going to be listing what all I ate everyday and how I worked out and such. Hopefully this will help me stay on track.
I will also be praying for help and patience and serious determination.

Official college visit day (:

So today is the day that I receive my first official tour of the campus. I'm so excited. I got to stay the night at the Christian campus house, and all it has done is confirmed my belief that this is where I want to be.
Thank You God.
Without You I would still be going to ISU next year. Lord You are the Creator and I know someone tried to shake my faith recently but they didn't succeed in making me doubt. They made me believe that I am right or more importantly You are right. You are God. You are my savior. Lord sometimes I feel so far from You but I know You are always by my side and that You will never leave me or forsake me. Lord You are the King of all kings.
There is no one like You.
You are constant as is Your crazy love for me. Lord I do not deserve Your love. But You give it to me anyway. You give me forgiveness and grace. Lord I don't deserve any of that... But You love me anyway. Despite all the stupid horrible things that I do. You are so incredible God. I love You so very much. I want to be near You.

College

I've always been different
My hope is that in college
That will be okay.
Because I'm not a clone.
I'm so very unique.
I am off on an adventure today
I love You Lord
You always provide (:

My God Can Move Mountains

My God can move mountains.

He spoke into being 144 billion galaxies.

I do not believe in Evolution, or the Big Bang Theory.

I believe that my God created this universe.
I believe this because science itself has proved this.

When looking at other planets, and other things, there is proof that some sort of sound made everything. There are sound waves!

If the world is as old as the Evolution Theory suggests, the earth would have been on fire at that point in time because the core gradually gets cooler each year. Which means the earth, back then, would've been incapable of sustaining life.

Nothing comes from nothing because nothing ever could.

If there was nothingness, then where did this first cell come from?

The Bible says God created on the first DAY. If one was to believe that by day its just a general idea, then the time period is entirely incorrect. Data, however, shows that the time period for events in the Bible, are true.

Some would claim that the Bible is more of a general story where the meaning is more important than what actually occurs in the story, because the Bible seems to be "confusing." Well, let me put it this way, when Jesus spoke in parables the meaning was more important than what actually happened. Pretty much every single other story the meaning is equally important as what goes on.

They have found Noah's ark.

They have found proof that dinosaurs existed at the same time as humans.

There were over 500 witnesses that saw Jesus after he rose from the grave. At that point in time, the witnesses could have been sought out and questioned. No 500 people could have possibly had the exact same hallucination. The fact that Jesus rose from the dead was verified by over 500 people!

Did you know that the itty bitty things that hold the universe together, the microscopic little things that hold everything together, when magnified, it looks like a cross.

I know that some people would still not be convinced, even with all of this evidence.

I know though, that without my God, I am lost. I know because I was lost before I found Him.

I have gone through life running from one thing to the next trying to fill the emptiness in my life, and my heart. I ran from boy to boy to boy, from sport to sport to sport, from friend to friend to friend. They fill the emptiness for a very very short time, and then I am empty once more.

God is the only thing that has completely, entirely filled this hole in my heart and life.

Do you know that feeling when you just know something? You can't entirely explain how or why, but you know for a fact that something is true? That is another reason that I know my God is real. That He loves me very much. He has literally saved my life time and time again.

He rescued me from so many things.

My God is an awesome God.

My God can move mountains.

This weekend

was crazy.
Friday I was sick.
Saturday we were on a level 3 (emergency vehicles only or something like that)
Saturday night I got the chance to share my faith with someone.
I doubt I've ever been talked to like that before.
I doubt it'll be the last time though.
A lot of seriously angry texts later,
I told him I felt sorry for him, that I'd keep praying for him and goodnight.
His strong reaction tells me I was right though.
I don't regret it at all.
Because that night, for the first time,
I realized just what was at stake here.
Someone's soul.
Someone's future.
Lord, help me to remember that it is NOT about me.
It is all about You.
Lord, you spoke into being roughly 144 BILLION galaxies.
This planet, is the planet you chose to have life.
That in itself is so incredible.
In the stadium that the super bowl took place in,
it would take 144 BILLION peas to fill it up.
Feeling small?
And a single pea is how big our GALAXY is.
Not our planet, our galaxy.
All of our planets.
I feel... so small.
And special.
Who am I to You?
Why me Lord?
I am no one.
I am nothing.
I am a sinner.
I am filth, through and through.
But Lord, You love me. You chose me.
You created me.
You have a plan for my life.
You amaze me Lord.
I will praise You in the darkest night,
I'll praise You in the brightest day.
I'll praise You in the morning.
I'll praise You in the evening.
I'll praise You all of my days.
For You are the Lord my God. My Savior.
You rescued me.
Me.
A girl worth nothing.
Lord...
You chose me.
I love You.
You are my rock,
my foundation.
My hope, peace, love, and life.
You grant me mercy, grace, and forgiveness that I absolutely do NOT deserve.
Lord... Help me to remember this.
Help me to remember that this is NOT about me. It is entirely about YOU!
Lord I love You so much.
Lord I pray that You will guide me and protect me as I go through this day.
While I am at school, and intern. While I work out and when I come home.
Lord I praise Your name.
I prayed on Saturday night that I would be tested and that I would lean on You for the strength to come through.
I know that it has only begun. Lord I love You. Help me continue to cling to You.
I love You.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

3 months ago

I was a totally different person.
I'm not quite sure what happened...
It was like something inside me snapped
it said "enough is enough!"
So that's what happened.
I cleaned out my closet,
My desk,
My dresser,
My room,
My life.
I ended some friendships.
I started some friendships.
I closed a lot of doors.
I opened better ones.
I stopped letting people walk all over me.
I stopped pretending.
I became someone else entirely.
I'm not so sure that that's how it's supposed to happen, such a drastic change in such a short time...
but I did.
And it's for the best. I know.
Especially when God welcomed me home.
Thank you Lord.
Forgive my wandering heart.
In the bible it says you are a light searching out the innermost parts of my heart.
Lord my heart is Yours to search, change, and mold.
I surrender all to You Lord, my Savior (:

I wanna

Scream.
To make sure I still have a voice.
Laugh.
To make sure I know what happiness is.
Cry.
To make sure I'm still alive.

I want to feel like I exist.
Like I'm alive.
I wanna hit something
To reassure myself I am real.
I wanna feel my muscles flex in anger
Or hate
Or adrenaline
I don't care
I just want to FEEL

See I don't know about you but

I'm sick of faking it.
I wanna let my hair down
Drink too much monster
Laugh too loud
Drive a little too fast
Scream at the top of my lungs
Just to know that I'm not invisible.
I feel... Invisible.
It's not fun when you used to be seen.
When people used to actually talk to you
But now they comment on your facebook
Instead of turning to you and saying
"hey can you unload the dishwasher?"
I am invisible.
And I hate it.

My Cousin's Ex

I shouldn't hate her.
I shouldn't
I shouldn't
I shouldn't
And I don't hate her.
I just think she is the most selfish, shallow, jerk I've ever met.
That is all.
Lord help me forgive her.
I just can't help but wish she'd trip and fall and break her nose.
I am a horrible horrible horrible person. I know.

I know He hears me.

So here I am again.

Frustrated, hurting, and still lonely.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like I can't do anything right.

I'm sick of feeling completely alone.

I'm sick of feeling like nobody even wants me in their life.

I'm sick of feeling completely isolated...

I'm sick of feeling like I have to keep it all inside because if I let it out, nobody will understand.

I'm leaving in roughly 200 days for a college 7 hours away.

I don't want to start a relationship here.

I don't want to get hurt again.

I don't want anybody here.

Yes, I did meet someone Saturday.

Yes, he is a great guy.
Yes, I probably would be extremely lucky to have him.
No, I don't want him.

No, I don't want to date him.

Yes, I realize that this upsets my best friend.

I just wish she'd realize where I'm coming from.

I'm so sick getting my heart broken.

If I were to date him...

It would be a very reckless and selfish decision.

I would end up hurting myself as well as him.

I just keep praying to God for help and protection.

Lord, You've done some incredible work in my life lately.

You've saved my heart from another ache. You kept me from falling for him.

Thank You.

It may sound horrible to most people, I know, I just cannot keep getting hurt.

And if I dated him, it would be like placing my hand in a fire and keeping it there.

Stupid and painful.

Oh Lord I am so tired of hurting everyone around me.

I'm so tired of feeling like I have no one.

I hate that it's not that I just feel that way.

It's that I really do not have anybody anymore.

She kept me so isolated from people, and now that we're no longer best friends... I have no one. Oh I know that I have Kelsey, Lauren, Josiah, and Kasey. But Lord, Lauren is in Tennessee. Josiah is all the way in Nebraska. Kasey is two and a half hours away, but at least in the same state. Kelsey doesn't go to my school, but she's the closest geographically. My friends are few and quite literally far between. 3 of which are very busy with their college lives. I feel like I've been abandoned. Lord... Help me...

In my loneliness I cry out for things I don't really even want anymore.

Like Logan.

I do not really want him back. At all.

I just want to no longer feel lonely.

I want someone to hold me and love me.

Lord please please please help me survive the rest of this year.

Please.

I love You, Lord.
Amen.

Balance in trust

I need to find a balance.
How much do I trust him?
Should I trust him?
Being hurt so much in my past has made me afraid.
Very afraid.
And wary.
Can I trust someone again?
The way I used to?
I guess I sort of am with this blog.
I'm tired of not trusting people.
I'm tired of being hurt.
So I stay alone.
People aren't meant to be alone.
Lord forgive me.

My biggest fear

Isn't going to college. Or being sooo far from home.
It's that college will verify that I am worthless.
That I am no beautiful or skinny or cool or anything exceptional.
What if it turns out that when I get to college I'm once more shoved to the side for someone more pretty more skinny more cool more rich more smart more popular? What if being at college just points out how incredibly insignificant I truly am? And that is my greatest fear. Lord, oh Lord, help me.

A girl's heart

A girl's heart is made of the finest porcelain.

It's fragile and easily broken.

It's beautiful and breath taking.

And it's usually given too easily.

Once it's broken nothing you do will fix it.

Nothing.

Ever.

Well, there is only one place/person it can be fixed.

God.

Whether you like it or not, it's the truth.

God alone can heal the wounds in a person's heart.
God alone can fix a heart that was once thought broken beyond all recognition.

He alone will make it look as if it was never broken in the first place.

He alone can take away your burdens,

your pain.

He offers hope,

love,

mercy,

grace,

forgiveness.

Even when we least deserve it.

He will never love us less.

I have given my heart too freely.
I am going to protect it now,

as the fine porcelain it is.
Because there were cracks in it,

that were quite entirely avoidable.

My God, it is Yours to heal and reshape.

I want to preserve it for the one.

The one you have chosen for me.

The one you're preparing for me.

I don't know him yet,

but I love him.

I'm waiting for him.

I hope he's waiting for me too.

A place to run

That's what I need. Lord I run into Your arms when I am lost and afraid. Well God, I need a legit place to go to get away from this. Lord I need a break. This constant fighting constant worrying I can't handle it. I am so afraid. Thank You or wiping my tears away and for fighting my fears for me. Thank You for protecting me and holding me safely in Your arms. Your embrace is the one I crave. I love You Lord. (:

A Glitch in Life?

Sometimes I think that people aren't supposed to love other people this way. That they are supposed to love them but still be capable of revoking their love when their heart is left shattered in a puddle of mud. Lord, is this just a glitch in a program called Life? Lord I feel forsaken sometimes, and I feel so incredibly broken a lot of the time. I feel lost, hurt, and afraid. Lord I beg you to fill these holes in my heart, because You alone will even come close. Lord I know that having him back won't heal all the wounds he's caused. I also realize that I probably never should've loved him that way. Lord I am so so so sorry. For everything I've done. Lord, looking back on my life, I see so many glaring mistakes. I can't seem to let go of my past, or forgive myself. Lord... Please let your forgiveness help me forgive me too. Lord I can't let go... Lord help it slip through my fingers like sand. I don't want to cling to this anymore. These horrible horrible memories, and the ones that make me cry because I miss the times when we'd just lay on the floor and talk. I miss the way he looked at me as if I was the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. Lord will no one look at me that way again? How could they? Oh God, my God. My heart aches and there is no way to remedy the wrongs I've done, or the wrongs he's done. Lord I want nothing more than to go back in time, and have him hold me one last time. Lord, I am afraid because of this. I know that no matter what I hope for, or think, or do, I will not ever entirely move on. It doesn't matter that I told him and everyone else that I've moved on and I couldn't care less anymore. It doesn't matter that he broke my heart so many times for a girl that would break his the way he broke mine. It doesn't matter that he rejected me for a slutty girl that was a little too young for him. Lord... No one is supposed to love this way. This unconditionally. Lord I don't think I even love my own parents this way, or my best friend this way. Lord I am afraid. Why oh why oh why? Lord will anyone be able to compare to him? Will anyone else wipe my tears from my eyes and make me smile just by looking at me? Lord will anyone else hold me when I'm shaking in fear? Lord will anyone ever look at me like that again? That's what I want. No, no, it's not. Oh Lord... I just want him to look at me like that again. I want him to come to me and say "Stephanie... I love you. I'm so so so sorry that my heart wandered from you for even a second. Please, I'm begging you, forgive me." And Lord half of me wants him to do that so I can laugh in his face and say "It's too late." So I can make him feel the pain he's caused me. The other half though, the more powerful half, wants to say "There is nothing left to forgive. I love you. Forever and always. If you doubt anything, please don't doubt that I love you more than life itself." And Lord that's just it, that's the sickest, vilest, most disgusting part of this whole thing. That I would mean every single word. That I haven't moved on yet, and that these wounds have yet to heal. Lord sometimes I doubt that they ever will. Lord I'm scared out of my mind to even consider being with anyone, unless it's him. Lord, Lord, Lord, save me. Heal this useless heart please I beg you. Lord I want you to hold me in your arms, I want you to tell me that you love me. Lord, I want to be told I am loved. Lord I long to be loved. Oh my God, my beautiful God, I know that You alone can rescue me. I know that You alone can love me the way I loved him. But Lord, you love me more than I loved Logan. Lord, does that mean that maybe one day, someone else will have a glitch in their Life and love me that way too? Lord I pray that when that happens that that glitch will happen once again. But Lord I pray for you to only let me love like that again when he is the one. Lord I don't want to feel this kind of pain. I don't want to feel like I'm walking around with only half of my heart. Lord... I don't want to feel this lost anymore. I don't want to be lonely anymore. Lord, Lord, Lord. Help me, please please please. Only You can help me now. I feel as if I have lost a once in a lifetime thing. Lord I am afraid that I will turn out like Jane Austen. The beautiful irony that was her life. Lord, she was so much stronger than I ever was or could ever hope to be. Lord I am tired of feeling weak and helpless. In my weakness Lord I pray that You will give me Your strength. Lord. Help me to be stronger. Lord, I just need to know... Is there hope that one day I may move on from him? That one day I will find someone to love just as deeply, maybe even more deeply? Lord, I have to know... Is there hope for me? I hear a still small voice in my mind say "There is always hope." A quote drifts into my mind with ease, and I cannot deny it. "When all else is lost there is still hope." Oh Lord, there is always hope. There is always hope. Lord I beg You to protect me from this kind of pain and doubt. I know You can't do that, for how else will I grow? Lord... Here I am. Take me as I am. Change me. Make me new. Lord I am sick of this person I am. This person I've been. Take from me this wretched burdens that weigh me down. These burdens from my past. These sins I've committed and never forgiven myself for. Lord I just pray that You will help me to become all that You want me to be. Lord I pray that You will help me be less selfish. Lord, You are so so wonderful. Lord, I know that You alone are God. You created the heavens and the earth, the birds, the trees, the flowers, the grass, the leaves. Not one is the same as the next and because of that I know that You took great care in the creation of each. Lord I can't help but conclude from that that You adore me so much more. Lord You look at me the way he looked at me. The way I long to be looked at. As if I am anything but what I am. Thank you my God, for listening to me, for holding me as I cried. Wrap me in Your arms oh God. Hold me, and never ever ever let me go. I love You. So so much. I love You.

I don't bother with lying.

It's the truth.
I loathe lies.
I adore the truth.
Always.
I would prefer the truth,
over a lie every single time.
Even when the truth,
will reduce me to tears.

Which is why I'm having a problem.
What is the truth in this situation?
It's inside of me,
I know that much.
But which truth is the truth?
Which path do I choose?
This is what I know:
I'm a little bit lonely.
I want God to fill that loneliness.
My heart longs for love.
God can fill that too.
This is the problem:
If God fills every single inch
of the gaping hole in my heart,
why do I long for more?
So I return once more to that verse.
"The heart is wicked and deceitful above all else."
So does this mean we should cut out our heart,
in hopes that without our heart,
we can serve God better?
That without feeling,
without want,
we can somehow be more pure?
However, this also does not make any sense.
Because God has also said
not to be lukewarm.
And with no heart, no way to feel,
how could one be anything other than lukewarm?
Now perhaps you see my problem?
Confusion clouds my vision.
Hope begins to flicker,
like a candle on a windy day.
Oh God, my God...
why have You forsaken me?
And yet I'll cling to what I know,
I'm never alone.
You will NEVER leave me,
or abandon me,
or give up on me.
You will NEVER quit me,
grow tired of me,
or even love me less.
I'll cling to this grain of absolute truth
in the hopes of discovering more truths.

The heart

Is deceitful and wicked.
Lord help me to cling to you like you are my last breath,
my next step,
my oxygen,
my life,
my heart,
and my soul.
Lord I give You all of me to do with what You will and I praise You for all Your wondrous doings.
You are the king of all kings.
You spoke this world into being.
You took such care in creating leaves,
Grass,
Trees,
Flowers,
Birds.
Lord how much more is a human life to a plant?
That is how I know You love me.
That is how I know You care for me.
I love You!
Goodnight my love.

The Postsecret That Changed My Life

One day I will meet you, and I will be able to say that although I hadn't known you until that point, I loved you still. I loved you so much, that I waited for you. I hope that you are waiting for me too.

Believe II

Believe

It's been over a year. I thought I'd forgotten what happened. I thought that if I just pretended it didn't happen then I'd be okay. Instead it ate me alive inside for a year- to the day. A year to the day after it happened I performed again, a different show. This time I was the soloist. In that solo, I told my entire story. I cried like a child when it was over. I thought that it was finally over. So I shoved the horrid memories to the back of my mind. I decided I'd never tell another soul what happened to me that night. But skeletons in closets have a way to reappear as ghosts to haunt you until the day you die until you face it and eventually accept that what happened happened. And eventually... Forgive him for what he did. That will probably take more than anything has ever taken before. I have forgiven everybody except him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness but if I don't then it will haunt me and I will rot slowly inside with the righteous hate I feel toward him. The way my stomach churns at thoughts of him... Oh God, my God... Please help me to forgive and heal these wounds.

Tragedy

This is why I do not drink.
This is why I will wear a watch from now on.
3 guys.
One back on military leave.
They'd been drinking and they were on their way back home. They're stopped because of a train going by. Well one guy has to pee so he gets out, the driver, the one on military leave, laughs for a bit then he opens the door, puts one foot out of the car, and leans his head out and tells his friend to get back in the car cause he could get arrested for indecent exposure and such. Well they're talking and laughin and the car begins to go forward. The driver, who is drunk, accidentally hits the clutch instead of the brake. At the same time, the boy in front of the car runs in front of the car to push it back to stop it from hitting the train.
Boom.
Dead.
Hit by the train.
Gone.
Brain matter is everywhere.
And along the tracks,
shining in the moonlight,
pieces of his watch.
Smashed by the train.
It will tick no more.
He will breathe no more.
Tragedy.
I will wear a watch from now on to remind me of the reasons I do not drink, and in honor of the driver, who must live with those images forever etched in his memory, and the victim. If anyone asks me why I wear a watch, this is what I'll tell them.
Tragedy.

My Dad, My Past, My Faith

So my dad's a minister.
So I grew up in the church.
So I hated it.
Until
recently.
Refound my faith.
A life without Jesus is no life at all.
A life without love is no life at all.
God is love in it's purest form.