Graduation

I am officially graduating. We had graduation practice today. The senior trip is tomorrow and saturday is the awards thing. Then, on Sunday, I will finally graduate. I can't believe it. It's finally here. I never thought it'd happen. I never thought I'd be alive for this. I never planned on being alive for this. I planned to be dead before I ever turned 17, let alone 18. I'm almost 18. 1 month left. Unbelievable. My senior year has been the best and worst year of my life. I've learned a lot. I've lost a lot, and found a lot. I've been broken and fixed and broken and fixed again. I lost my best friend. She was supposed to be there for me when I needed her most, but she wasn't. And, now, looking back, I don't think she really could've been. We are all fighting our own uphill battles. She was supposed to be the girl at my wedding that I introduced to everyone as my best friend in high school. And... now... She won't be that girl. I'm sorry to see her go, but I think it was the best thing... for both of us.
I lost a boyfriend, and I'm not the same now. He ripped my heart out in a way I never thought he would. He broke me into pieces, the way I had promised no one would ever be able to do again. I was apparently very wrong. I was truthfully, and stupidly, planning on spending forever with him. I loved him to the end of the universe. Looking back, he was a jerk. Straight forward, there you have it. He was a jerk and never worth a second of my time. I'm sorry I wasted so much love on him. But, since it was love, I guess it wasn't wasted, because love is never wasted. I guess, realistically, I had two of these guys. I speak to neither one. Logan, I would've married you. I loved you, and I always thought we would end up together in the end, we were just so wonderful together. Adam, I loved you so incredibly deeply. In a way I didn't think I even could. However, you were manipulative and controlling. I'm glad you broke up with me, it saved me from a crap ton more heartbreak.
I lost myself. I began to cut. I began to flirt with danger, and paid for it. I lost everything. I lost my coach, my sport, my classes. I had to cut back how many classes I was taking, and quit my favorite sport. I lost so much. And gained so much because of that.
I lost another friend... and another friend... and another friend.
I lost a lot of my friends, but then, I realized, my true friends were the ones that were still there. The ones that loved me and supported me as I discovered who I was and what I believed. They were there while I went through this terrible period, and when I began to open up out of my cocoon into an incredible time. So thank you Cheltsi, Emily, Terri, Kasey, Kasey, Lauren, and Amanda.
I even gained a few other friends, like Bryce. (:
This year has taught me so much. It has hurt me so much, and it has healed me even more. I have scars from this year, but they are there to help me remember how far I have come, who I used to be, and how incredibly strong I am.
I am planning on getting a tatto that the incredible artist, Bryce Warner, drew for me.
That's it, the picture up in the left hand corner.
I asked him to draw a butterfly for me with the word rememeber somehow integrated into it.
I chose a butterfly because butterflies start out as caterpillars. They go through this incredible metamorphosis, something I have gone through as well, just not as physical. They go through this period in a cocoon where they are entirely isolated, this completely lonely period. Granted insects do not feel loneliness and other such human emotions. I have gone through some very intense lonely periods. Butterfly is also the stroke I swim. I chose the word remember, because it is always best to remember our pasts, that is one reason why they haunt us, why they're always there whenever we turn around or look back. If we remember our past, we can learn from mistakes we've made. If we remember, we will never forget how strong we are, and all the things we've come through.
I am so proud of myself for how far I have come, and for how far I know I will go in this life. Although, truly, all the praise belongs to God and God alone. He changed me. He reached into the darkness and snatched me from death. You alone, Lord, saved me and brought me to where I am today. Thank You so much. I love You.