28 February 2011

I met a man today, he's 92. His wife is in the hospital, they've been married for 71 years. That's a very very long time. He loves her deeply, and it was so moving to see. I hope that if I live to be that old, I have someone who loves me that deeply, and knows me intimately.
I'm also hoping that I can start to become better. As in, weighing less, or looking better. I'm starting yoga. I'm going to start doing 20 minutes a day, which isn't much, but it's better than nothing. I'm sure I'll be able to tell a difference too. I can feel a difference already. I just feel more productive and accompllished. I'm sure that the added endorphins help a lot too(: I'm still on the Zoloft and now the birth control as well. I'm hoping that everything will start to balance out soon, the birth control has made me a little sensitive lately. Hopefully it'll pass though.
I'm behind in my classes. I need to finish The Red Badge of Courage for English, and a chapter for Political Science. I also need to read the paper, and a critical essay. I have to try to catch up with my Mythology class too.. Thankfully I'm doing just fine in my Music class. I even turned in the concert report today, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't make it to a concert or write the report. I did though, and that makes me super happy. I feel like I'm finally starting to maybe figure this out a little bit more... I just want to learn all of a sudden. My thirst for knowledge is finally coming back slowly, despite the hurt from the past. I'm so excited to learn, and although I still dread classes, I'm always glad when I go to class. I always feel better, knowing that I'm trying to grow my knowledge, vocabulary, and abilities. I think if I keep going to classes and stuff, my life will turn around a lot. I think that the depression will slowly fade. The depression keeps me isolated in my room, in my bed, a lot of the time, and then I always feel worse because I'm not doing anything or interacting with anyone. I feel like if I continue to force myself out of bed in the mornings, I'll be okay. I'll make it through one day at a time, and eventually pull out of this some pretty decent grades... It also helps a lot that I have so many people praying for me. I love my family and friends, they are solid.

Made a wrong turn once or twice...

Bad decisions, that's alright, welcome to my silly life...

I wish I remembered a time when I was happy. Almost as long as I can remember, I've been fighting uphill battles daily against cutting, suicide, and depression. Many people say they wish that they could back to when they were young and innocent and happy. I wish I had a time in my past like that. I've been in and out of therapy since 5th grade, and I may have to go back soon. I have this insane desire to run to the bathroom and just chop off most of my hair... Or to just run away... To pack my backpack full of clothes and my laptop and just leave... I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, but there's got to be somewhere better for me... I was born with a fiery spirit, a spirit of rebellion... I guess that too many years of sadness started to tame me. I'm trying to cling to a strand of hope... I'm not sure there is one. Not for me. You can't escape from your past, it's always there to haunt you. If I can't escape the memories of my past, I'll never live a happy life. The past has made me who I am, and it's part of me. I'm just a tragic story. It could've been so much worse, I realize that. I just wish that for as good as I'd had it, it hadn't been so bad.
I wish I could pretend it all away... Wish away all the pain.

I want to get wildly drunk, and get a tattoo I'll regret. I want to do crazy things, and still study. I want to make a billion mistakes, and learn from all of them. I want to figure out who I am... But I can't, because I'm still living my life so much for other people. Or maybe I'm just scared out of my mind of getting hurt again, so I hide in my room... protecting my heart by isolating myself. I just need to heal from the past first... I just can't handle being hurt again right now.

10 February 2011 Another Free Write

God where are You? Where is Your comforting embrace? Where is Your mighty hand? Where is your outstretched arm? Where is my Savior? Where are You God? Are You by my side? Are You holding me in your arms? Are You behind me and in front of me? I cannot feel You right now. I need Your love so desperately. I'm so afraid, so tired. I fear for the future, what will become of my parents? What will become of my education? I know that there is hope, but there is always hope. I need a hope, a reassurance, from You. Where are You? I know that You're always near, I know that You have a plan, but I really don't understand Your plan right now. I'm so lost and confused. I'm frustrated, irritated, and hurt. I think I'm mostly hurting right now. I'm concerned for my parents, all that they are going through. I'm uncertain of what is happening right now. Where are You? Do You still love me? Do You still hear my voice calling out for mercy? Do You still walk by my side, holding my hand, telling me it's all going to be okay? That You're in control? Lord, where are You? Why am I the one to always go through hardships? Why do they get such easy, wonderful lives? Why am I left to struggle with depression, finances, and relationships? Why do I feel as though I've been left to die in a desert... I need to feel You by my side Lord. I need to know that You created me for Yourself, that I have a purpose, a big purpose. I need to know that my life has a meaning... I need to know that in this life, I am going to do great things, even if they seem small to others. I need to know that I'm worthy... I don't know how You can love me, how You look at me and see beauty... When I look in the mirror, I see a girl that is still a little afraid of the world. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of falling down again, afraid of getting back up. Afraid of believing... Afraid to understand, afraid to question, afraid to answer. Do You know how difficult this is? Lord, where are You? Are You by my side? Am I curled up in Your strong arms? Save me Lord, because only You can... Save me Lord, because I'm worth saving... Save me because You call me lovely, You call me friend, You call me beloved, You call me Queen. Show me all the beauty that You see in me. Bend down to feed me, to heal me. Bend all the way down into this hole I dug for myself. I'm staring at the ground, the blood that I've spilt. Bend down to lift my face from darkness, to pick me up from death to let me try again. Who are You that You still love me? This love that keeps me safe when I run... when I'm young and foolish. Hold me gently Lord, until I fall asleep. Cover me in your light, cover me in Your armor, the armor none can pierce. Give me Your hope and Your love. Love me... because I need You.

10 February 2011

So today has been extremely... interesting. I woke up and didn't go to my 9 am today. I was just too tired and we're allowed to miss two days, so this one was my first. It's also only an 8 week course, so technically, I'm allowed to miss an entire week. I wouldn't want to do that though. It's my TDP 1100 class. I like it a lot. I am working on my 4 year plan. I talked to my mom today about transferring. She said I probably wouldn't have to. Which makes me very excited. She said that if they move out of state, they'll let me establish residency here. She's looking into establishing residency and stuff this weekend. I also realized that I can get 3 A's and 1 B this semester and be able to keep my scholarship, which is super exciting. Another thing that I figured out was that I need to go to my classes and start trying. I can't jsut keep telling myself I can't do it, because I can. I can do this, it'd be pretty difficult, but now that I don't have to get all A's, I feel a lot more confident. Especially since the classes I'm in are ones I really enjoy. I love mythology, and I'm learning to love classical western music as well. English is my favorite subject, and I love Political Science as well. I'm really excited. I feel like I'm finally pulling out of the depression. Hopefully the meds are working, and hopefully the antibiotics will get rid of this nasty sinus infection. I'm really not a big fan of it. I've messed up quite a bit so far in the semester, but it's still early, so I can definitely still make it up. I have to go to a concert and type up a report over the concert before the 28th of this month for my music class. I'm excited for it, but I'm also a little nervous, I'm hoping that I'll do well. I really need an A in that class. I'm saving the B for English, because I know that that class is going to be the most difficult for me. Even though it's my favorite subject. Our professor grades really hard, she gives college level work a C. That scares me a little bit. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep praying and making my way through life the best that I can. After all, if I give it my all, what more could anyone ask from me? Nothing. It's time I started believing in myself more. I just need to have a little bit of faith. Cause it's all gonna be alright. Truly, it is. I have some ridiculous amounts of hope right now.. Hope for a future as a teacher. I hope that I will be a good English teacher. I still have so much to learn, and the idea of teaching in 3 years scares the pee outta me. It's so nerve racking. Thankfully, I'll be certified to teach anywhere from 5th grade to seniors in high school. I'll also be trying to get a master's in Psychology and Counseling. Or going to law school. Which means I need to get at least a 3.5 gpa overall when I graduate. Hopefully I can do it. I just don't always know how to balance a social life with an academic life. For me I seem to be too socially involved that I neglect my academic world, or I become so active in the academic world that I neglect my friends. It's pretty difficult to figure it out. I think that's just a freshman thing though. At least that's what I've been told. I just have to become more studious. I have to actually go to all my classes. I'm going to set up a reward system for myself for good grades and going to classes. I'm really excited. There is so much potential for this semester. I know I have it in me, hopefully I can pull it out of me to know what I'm capable of. That'd be really great. I don't know what I'm capable of to be honest, and I think it's time that I find out. God help me do this. I have so much difficulty finishing things I start. I think I can do this. I know I can do this. So many people believe in me, and I know that there are people depending on me to graduate and make something of myself. I want to prove those people right, and I want to prove other people wrong. I want to prove the people who said I would never amount to anything, that I was a worthless waste of space, wrong. I am a valuable treasure, especially in God's eyes. I am a special, beautiful individual. Tattoo and piercing and all of me. I have value. I am more precious than any diamond, or any pearl. I am beautiful in my imperfections. I am beautiful in my flaws and asymmeticality. I think I finally am starting to believe in myself. It's an amazing feeling. A little exhausting, yes, but absolutely fantastic. It's nice to have taken my life into my own hands, and to be doing what I want to do. To be making my own decisions. Getting that piercing was possibly the best decision I've ever made. There's nothing wrong with getting that pierced, honestly, there's nothing wrong with it, and it makes me feel even more beautiful. I'm so excited for life right now. Probably because my thoughts have changed to a much more positive undertone. It's amazing how much your thoughts influence your mood. Hopefully I can just start focusing on the positive. I still need to read Galations 3 for bible study, which is in like 15 minutes. Yikes. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get it done. This free write only has one more minute left anyway. I love this new mixed cd I got from Helene. It's very different, but very uplifting. There is hope for my future. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me(:

9 February 2011

Last night was probably one of the best nights of my life. I spent the night at Christian's house. I was sick, and felt like crap. I still feel like crap. We just cuddled a lot, and it was wonderful. Ben texted me and freaked out over nothing, and I got pretty mad. So, I guess Ben and I had our first fight. Although, he'd be a lot more mad if he knew I'd spent the night with another guy. The thing is, I care about Ben a lot, I just... I'm not in love with him. I'm not super attracted to him physically either. I also feel as though, he's not really into me as much as he claims to be. Like I called him and he wasn't even paying attention to me, and I had to repeat everything I said at least once. It was horrible and extremely irritating. And one of the biggest pet peeves I have, is asking "What do you wanna talk about" when there isn't a real reason to ask that. Like last night, when Ben and I were on the phone, and he asked me that. I was so angry. I know I'm sick and I'm pmsing, so I know that I overreacted, it just made me really mad. Don't ask me what I wanna talk about simply because you have nothing to say, because you don't really wanna talk. I hadn't talked to him all day. And I didn't talk to him today either. I'd say it sucked, but honestly, I didn't even miss him. I don't know if that's just because I don't usually miss people or if it's because I'm just not into him like that... He's a great guy, just... probably not the guy for me. I mean, yes, he is a lot of what I've always wanted... Just... I don't know, maybe what I wanted isn't really what I wanted after all. So that's just awesome, having my world flipped upside down again, and having to refigure stuff out. I feel like I'm doing a lot of that lately. It sucks, I'm not a huge fan of it. So, anyway, back to spending the night with Christian... We just laid there, and we watched random freaking tv shows on netflix, and talked. It was amazing. I spent like, 24 hours with him. For me, that's a crap ton of time to spend with anybody. Afterwards though, I still wasn't sick of him, I didn't wanna leave. I just wanted to lay there forever, curled up next to him... I wanted nothing more than just to be there for the rest of my life. Next to someone who thinks I'm gorgeous... Someone who is brutally honest, but someone who cares deeply about people. Someone who can understand depression, and the things I've been through, but someone who isn't going to be a "project" or someone I have to "fix." Christian isn't a "project," although yes, he does have his issues, he is pretty quiet, easy to talk to. He's laid back, he didn't mind that I hadn't shaved in like a week, or anything like that. It was so nice to just relax and be myself completely. It was magnificent, I couldn't have asked for anything more. It was so much fun. He makes me feel like I'm beautiful, in a way that Ben does but doesn't. I think that's probably because my love language is physical touch, and Ben is 8 hours away... I'm not sure though. Because I may be transferring to a school 8 hours from here, and when I told Christian, he was just like, okay, well that doesn't change my mind, I sitll want to be with you. That was something that just kinda... stuck I guess. Because Ben was like, let's be together but not really together. That bothers me a lot. Another thing about Ben that bothers me is that he's been up until 6 am for the last several weeks talking to girls that are flirting with him on facebook. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, I just don't understand it. I guess it's because I have trust issues. I just don't really like that someone I'm possibly going to be dating has mostly girl friends. Especially when they're pretty and flirty. I mean, I don't know. Maybe if I knew them, or if he talked about them to me, or talked about me to them, or rejected their flirtatiousness... But Ben doesn't do that... That really really bothers me. There's just a small voice in the back of my head telling me not to trust him, so I don't. Not completely. I usually have that with all people, but I realize how brutally honest Christian is, and I feel like I can trust him a lot more. That's a huge comfort to me. I feel like... Being pursued feels amazing. I feel like it's worth it... I feel like, Ben is a great friend, but maybe that's all we should be. I feel like I should give Christian a legit chance, because I'm starting to really like him. He understands me, although I'm sure part of that is because he's a psych major. That tends to help out a bit. I just... I feel a lot more comfortable with Christian, and I find him a ton more attractive, and he's a lot more masculine. I'm just not a fan of guys that look gay... Like Ben... I mean, honestly, what guy wears a scarf? I mean, I'm sure there are guys that do, but it just looks so gay! I just want someone a little bit more masculine than that. I also want someone who is stronger than me, and I'm definitely stronger than Ben. He's a small, weak kid. He couldn't ever hold my weight. So, yeah. That's my free write for today(:

February 2, 2011

I'm finding myself again. It's a new and wonderful experience. I'm discovering what I want to do, what I like, what I love. I'm excited for the future, it's going to be wonderful. I'm trying new things as long as I want to do them. I'm making decisions on my own, and thinking for myself. I'm going to become my own person, and stop trying to please everyone, because not everyone can be happy all at the same time. Sad, but true. And in the end, I'm stuck in my own head. At the end of the day, I'm hiding in my own thoughts and hopes. So it's time for me to not be afraid or sad or holding back anymore. I'm letting go and just finding myself. I wanna know what I like to do, what I want to do, what I want to do with my life. What kind of person I am, what kind of person I want to do. I'm excited. This is a new relief like nobody could believe. Not living my life for other people, is incredibly liberating! I started big, I got a monroe. The piercing. As in, above my top lip, on my left side. I like it. A lot. Other people seem to like it as well. My parents aren't too happy about it, but that's okay. They said they still loved me, and that makes me feel better. I know that I've disappointed my father, but in the end, he'll realize that I'm not his brother, I'm his daughter. I'm stronger than his brother, and wiser than his brother was when he was my age. Everything is going to be alright. I'm finally starting to live my life for me as well(:

Logan and Ben

Logan, finally, has given me closure. I have been officially rejected by him, and I can now move on. I can now give my heart to Ben completely, the way he truly deserves. I feel better, as though I finally took the bandaid off of a wound which has turned into a scar that is quickly fading.
Ben treats me like I'm a princess. He loves me so much, and I love him so deeply. He is everything I could've ever asked for, and so much more. He is my knight in shining armor, my sunshine, the spring in my step. He helps me grow as a person, and desire to be a better person. He is truly amazing. I've never been so happy with anyone ever before.

Logan v. Ben

So many thoughts and emotions flooding my being right now. Wondering if I should move on from Logan, and stay with Ben. What am I doing? I love Logan. So very deeply. He is my soul mate in almost every single way. It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and still I'm not over him. That says something huge. I've never liked a guy for that long before. Ever. I've never been able to not move on. I mean... I don't know. I just don't know. Am I waiting around for something that will never ever happen? Am I wasting a chance with an incredible guy? What should I do? I'm so confused. This is so difficult. I wish I knew what to do... I wish I knew if Logan was serious when he said he still had feelings for me, and that he missed me. I just I'm not sure anymore. I feel like Logan will never love me as deeply as I love him.. But at the same time, Ben will love me and treat me the way that I always wanted Logan to. I've waited a freaking year and a half... for Logan. Truly, I never once even started to like another guy because... Deep down, I just, I knew, I always wanted Logan. I can't seem to let go of him. I want him to be the one I walk down the aisle to, the one I give everything. The one I have children with. The one I laugh with, cry with, and love for the rest of my life. Is this something that's possible? Or should I pick myself up, give myself closure, and move on?

Despite multiple attempts

to get over you, I still love you. Despite multiple attempts to find closure, I still want you. I still want to figure out if you're the one for me. I never once stopped loving you.
Logan.
You will always have a huge chunk of my heart. I will never completely move on. I will never completely heal.

I have officially survived the following in my lifetime

3 bomb threats in high school
2 earthquakes
1 blizzard
1 car crash thanks to ice on the road
1 suicide attempt
1 fall down a flight of stairs while texting
3 molestations
1 awful roommate
9 moves
1 semester of college
1 walmart trip before the blizzard
1 52 yr old hitting on me
3 huge heart breaks
2 years of living in a 3rd world country
1 time screaming jesus loves you in creole into a voodoo temple
2 demon sightings
1 dog attack
1,000's of swim practices
1 time swimming with sting rays at the beach

many more to come(: