12 March 2011

My birthday is in four months(: I'm very excited for that.
Listening to Avril Lavigne's new album, and it makes me want to cry. The power of music, and the power of love... When I hear someone hurting, I want desperately to reach out to them and help them get back up off the ground. I want to help them heal, I want to help them feel better. I hate that I can't always help. I hate that I can't even help myself. I hate that I'm not who I want to be. I'm not the girl I always thought I'd be. I think I always expected to change drastically when I got to a new place. The thing is, transitions and changes don't happen that quickly. They happen over time. It's so difficult to pretend that I don't miss you, I wish I actually knew who "you" was... I've lost a place to shove my feelings... Placing love off and onto different people. I wish I knew who it was I actually loved... I know that I miss him... I know that I hurt because we aren't together anymore... It's so difficult to pretend that I'm okay. Not that I'm not okay, I'm fine, but I'm hurting too. Break ups aren't easy... I miss my mom... I wish she was here, I wish she were able to just hold me or scratch my back as I sobbed into my pillow... I can't wait to be home for spring break... I've never missed anyone like I miss my mom and dad right now. I've never not had them around to help me through a break up before... I just can't wait to see them, I'll probably cry. I just want to be able to hug them both and cry my bloody eyes out. I wish Daniel was back from the retreat, he always knows just how to cheer me up, and make everything better... I think I'm falling in love with him...

10 March 2011

Where to begin? My life seems to be in shambles... It's mostly my fault too. That's probably the worst part. Actually, I don't know if that is. I think I'm just so lost right now because my life is lacking direction and stability. I have lost control over my future, and I absolutely hate taht. I hate feel like I have no control over anything. It's one of the worst feelings in the world... Feeling like there's absolutely nothing you can do to make things better... I hate it. I really wish that I was able to fix this. I wish I could give my father a job in Missouri, and I wish that I could claim residency. I wish that I could be independent, I wish that I wasn't financially dependent upon my parents. I wish that I could see them. I just wanna sit on the couch and cry, and I want my parents to be there holding me. I miss them, and I just want and need their love right now. I hate what is happening to us. I hate what is happening in our lives. It's so hard not to be angry at God. I know His plan is best, and I know that He will provide. But where is He right now? God where are You? Where are You? I need to feel Your arms around me, helping me make it through each day. I need to know that it's going to be okay. I feel so incredibly alone in this fight. I know I'm not, but I feel so isolated. I feel as if there is nobody who can understand this. There are very few people that actually could. I feel like crap. I just don't understand what is happening. I don't understand, I feel like I've lost everything. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know that right now I'm an education major. But what the heck is that about? Honestly! I don't think I'd be very good at that. I mean, I think I could do it, and I could do it well, but the thing is, it's not where I'm passionate. I want to help people, but I feel like teaching isn't where I'm supposed to be. I feel like what I really need to do is just do something with marine biology. I absolutely love being around animals like dolphins, stingrays, and whales. I think they are some of God's most beautiful creations. I don't know why I'm not doing something with that, oh wait, yeah I do. It's because it's not a guaranteed job. I'm just so sick of not being able to pursue what I want. I feel like my life is dictated by everything but what I want for myself.

3 March 2011

My life is finally shaping up quite a bit. Suicidal tendencies are slowly fading, which is definitely a huge plus. I'm doing my homework,and I've gone to all my classes this week. I'm also doing the reading for classes, and reading the newspaper. I've also been doing yoga at least once a day for at least 10 minutes. I've been feeling a lot better about myself too. I think that's partially from the exercise, the medicine, and going to all my classes, and doing all my homework. I'm currently working on a paper for English over the book The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane. It was a magnificent book, that definitely met up to all of my expectations. The paper is about whether or not we think that the main character, Henry has grown psychologically. I am taking the stand point that yes, Henry started to grow psychologically, however, when he returned to his comrades, he regressed back into his self-centered mind frame. I have lots of textual evidence for this opinion, and I'm very excited to begin working on this paper.
My TDP class will be ending soon. We only meet two more times, and we only have one more assignment. I have done all of the assignments except one, which was only worth five points. It's also a pass or fail course, so there is no way I could fail. Even if I skip the last assignment. We only have to receive 35 points out of 50. So far, I have received probably 40 points. I'll know by Monday. She has yet to grade 2 assignments, although one of them isn't due until Sunday night. I am very excited to pass this class. It won't affect my GPA at all, which is disappointing, but it's a gen ed down for my degree, something I am excited about. Changing my major to education was a brilliant idea. I cannot wait to begin taking more TDP classes, and learning more about teaching and history. I definitely feel like this fits me wonderfully, and it's a career I will deeply enjoy, and will find deeply rewarding as well. I am finally very excited for the future, which once again seems to hold lots of possibilities!(: