10 March 2011

Where to begin? My life seems to be in shambles... It's mostly my fault too. That's probably the worst part. Actually, I don't know if that is. I think I'm just so lost right now because my life is lacking direction and stability. I have lost control over my future, and I absolutely hate taht. I hate feel like I have no control over anything. It's one of the worst feelings in the world... Feeling like there's absolutely nothing you can do to make things better... I hate it. I really wish that I was able to fix this. I wish I could give my father a job in Missouri, and I wish that I could claim residency. I wish that I could be independent, I wish that I wasn't financially dependent upon my parents. I wish that I could see them. I just wanna sit on the couch and cry, and I want my parents to be there holding me. I miss them, and I just want and need their love right now. I hate what is happening to us. I hate what is happening in our lives. It's so hard not to be angry at God. I know His plan is best, and I know that He will provide. But where is He right now? God where are You? Where are You? I need to feel Your arms around me, helping me make it through each day. I need to know that it's going to be okay. I feel so incredibly alone in this fight. I know I'm not, but I feel so isolated. I feel as if there is nobody who can understand this. There are very few people that actually could. I feel like crap. I just don't understand what is happening. I don't understand, I feel like I've lost everything. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. I know that right now I'm an education major. But what the heck is that about? Honestly! I don't think I'd be very good at that. I mean, I think I could do it, and I could do it well, but the thing is, it's not where I'm passionate. I want to help people, but I feel like teaching isn't where I'm supposed to be. I feel like what I really need to do is just do something with marine biology. I absolutely love being around animals like dolphins, stingrays, and whales. I think they are some of God's most beautiful creations. I don't know why I'm not doing something with that, oh wait, yeah I do. It's because it's not a guaranteed job. I'm just so sick of not being able to pursue what I want. I feel like my life is dictated by everything but what I want for myself.