Tonight

I feel as if I may suffocate. Weighed down by the guilt, the shame, the fears, the anxiety, the past... and other people's opinions. Everyone seems to hate me so much. And truthfully, I have no clue why. Cody "hates" me... even though he was the one that went off on me, the one that screamed and yelled at me. He told me and called me all kinds of horrible things... Because I wouldn't date him the day after I had my heart broken by Adam. I'm still glad I didn't date him... but I miss him. Glad to know he's doing alright without me I guess....
Spencer.. well I guess Spencer isn't much of a loss. He was so controlling.
I'm just so sick and tired of being lonely. Do you know what that feels like?
The loneliness?
Do you know what it's like to be entirely alone?
Do you know what it's like to lie awake at night wishing beyond anything you've ever wished before that the loneliness would just go away. Just for a moment. So you can remember what it's like to breathe in again?
The guilt from all the things I've done in my life, the things I've said, been... The shame and the fear from my past. Being uncertain. The shame of being used by Ethan.. Not knowing whether or not it was my fault. Do you know what it's like to not know if it was your fault? It's like a constant weight tied to your heart. The question constantly nagging and nipping your mind. "Was it your fault?" The arguments for both sides furiously circling over the question like birds waiting for their chance, waiting to win, so they can eat the question away. But I can't answer that question. Was it my fault? I did say no. If I said no, then it should just be a closed case... but it's not. Why didn't I get up and leave? Did I just feel so broken that I felt it didn't matter anymore?
I know the kind of guy I want to marry,but what guy would even have me? After they know all the mistakes I've made. After they know what has been done to me. I am nothing. I am worthless. I am losing hope quickly. Drowning in the misery. The haunting questions. I want to cry out to God to save me... But something is stopping me... Maybe, deep down, this shadow that's fallen over my heart is truly like a comforting blanket enveloping my being. I know how to do life like this, all broken and fallen and hurting. I don't know how to do life happy. I don't know how to accept rejection, or keep my mouth shut when I'm angry. I hate who I am. And yet, I was made this way on purpose... I still hate it. I hate myself I hate who I am. I would do anything to be someone else. To just let go and stop fighting to stop being stop living stop breathing. Stop feeling the incessant pain and loneliness. Knowing that it's all my fault. It's all my fault I'm alone... Because truly, who would want to be with me? Who would want to love me? who could love me?
God. God can...
Can any human love me? When not even my own father can love me? When not even my own father can love me unconditionally? When my own father does not love me... Doesn't that say something?