Luke

I have so many things I want to tell you.
I also want to hit you.
I want to make you regret what you did to me.
Nothing I say or do will really change this
So if you ever happen upon this,
I want you to know, this isn't really for you.
It's for me.
Forgiving you, that was for me too.

Early morning on August 7, 2008 I woke up to you unzipping my pants on the bus ride home from State Fair Band Day. You kept trying to unzip my pants, and you reached up my shirt. You tried to force my hand up your shorts. That. Was. NOT. Okay. I was so scared, and I was so exhausted. I wish, with all my heart, that I had screamed when I woke up, and when you wouldn't stop. I didn't. I wish I had. I wish I had exposed you for what you were. I wish I had told someone what you did. It took several weeks before I could tell my best friend. My very best friend. The girl that knew just about everything about me. The girl I would've trusted with my life. I was so ashamed. I was so scared. I thought it was all my fault. A year later, on State Fair Band Day, August 7, 2009, I told my story through our show. The show that hit closer to home than anyone ever imagined. I told the world about the heart ache that you caused me. I told the world about how I felt during and afterward. Then I showed the world that it would NEVER happen again. Ever. The world never knew that I had just told them my story. The story that broke my heart and my self esteem. The story that sent me into a tail spin. The story that broke my soul. I had told my story, but I hadn't forgiven you. I was bitter inside. I was so broken. I didn't understand why you had done that to me. Why I hadn't screamed. I didn't stop beating myself up for not screaming, for not telling anyone. It took me over a year to forgive you. Then, on April 18, 2010 I was baptized. For the first time since then, I felt like I had been forgiven for what happened that day. For whatever part was my fault. I felt like my past had been wiped clean. I forgave myself. I forgave you. Completely. I don't write this to hurt you. I write this because God put something on my heart. He spoke to me and He asked me to write my story. In bits and pieces. This is a huge story from my life. It's not as in detail as it could be. It's not exactly a flawless, breath-taking story. It is what it is. It's what I remember. It's what God has begged me to tell the world. Lord, I pray that You will use this in someone's life. I want you to know, it is not your fault! God loves you regardless, He loves you as much as He did when you were first born. He'll love you the same when you die. God's love is constant and consistent. God FORGIVES you. You don't have to walk around with that weight on your shoulders anymore. I've started over. Please, please, believe me when I say that you can too.