A Glitch in Life?

Sometimes I think that people aren't supposed to love other people this way. That they are supposed to love them but still be capable of revoking their love when their heart is left shattered in a puddle of mud. Lord, is this just a glitch in a program called Life? Lord I feel forsaken sometimes, and I feel so incredibly broken a lot of the time. I feel lost, hurt, and afraid. Lord I beg you to fill these holes in my heart, because You alone will even come close. Lord I know that having him back won't heal all the wounds he's caused. I also realize that I probably never should've loved him that way. Lord I am so so so sorry. For everything I've done. Lord, looking back on my life, I see so many glaring mistakes. I can't seem to let go of my past, or forgive myself. Lord... Please let your forgiveness help me forgive me too. Lord I can't let go... Lord help it slip through my fingers like sand. I don't want to cling to this anymore. These horrible horrible memories, and the ones that make me cry because I miss the times when we'd just lay on the floor and talk. I miss the way he looked at me as if I was the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. Lord will no one look at me that way again? How could they? Oh God, my God. My heart aches and there is no way to remedy the wrongs I've done, or the wrongs he's done. Lord I want nothing more than to go back in time, and have him hold me one last time. Lord, I am afraid because of this. I know that no matter what I hope for, or think, or do, I will not ever entirely move on. It doesn't matter that I told him and everyone else that I've moved on and I couldn't care less anymore. It doesn't matter that he broke my heart so many times for a girl that would break his the way he broke mine. It doesn't matter that he rejected me for a slutty girl that was a little too young for him. Lord... No one is supposed to love this way. This unconditionally. Lord I don't think I even love my own parents this way, or my best friend this way. Lord I am afraid. Why oh why oh why? Lord will anyone be able to compare to him? Will anyone else wipe my tears from my eyes and make me smile just by looking at me? Lord will anyone else hold me when I'm shaking in fear? Lord will anyone ever look at me like that again? That's what I want. No, no, it's not. Oh Lord... I just want him to look at me like that again. I want him to come to me and say "Stephanie... I love you. I'm so so so sorry that my heart wandered from you for even a second. Please, I'm begging you, forgive me." And Lord half of me wants him to do that so I can laugh in his face and say "It's too late." So I can make him feel the pain he's caused me. The other half though, the more powerful half, wants to say "There is nothing left to forgive. I love you. Forever and always. If you doubt anything, please don't doubt that I love you more than life itself." And Lord that's just it, that's the sickest, vilest, most disgusting part of this whole thing. That I would mean every single word. That I haven't moved on yet, and that these wounds have yet to heal. Lord sometimes I doubt that they ever will. Lord I'm scared out of my mind to even consider being with anyone, unless it's him. Lord, Lord, Lord, save me. Heal this useless heart please I beg you. Lord I want you to hold me in your arms, I want you to tell me that you love me. Lord, I want to be told I am loved. Lord I long to be loved. Oh my God, my beautiful God, I know that You alone can rescue me. I know that You alone can love me the way I loved him. But Lord, you love me more than I loved Logan. Lord, does that mean that maybe one day, someone else will have a glitch in their Life and love me that way too? Lord I pray that when that happens that that glitch will happen once again. But Lord I pray for you to only let me love like that again when he is the one. Lord I don't want to feel this kind of pain. I don't want to feel like I'm walking around with only half of my heart. Lord... I don't want to feel this lost anymore. I don't want to be lonely anymore. Lord, Lord, Lord. Help me, please please please. Only You can help me now. I feel as if I have lost a once in a lifetime thing. Lord I am afraid that I will turn out like Jane Austen. The beautiful irony that was her life. Lord, she was so much stronger than I ever was or could ever hope to be. Lord I am tired of feeling weak and helpless. In my weakness Lord I pray that You will give me Your strength. Lord. Help me to be stronger. Lord, I just need to know... Is there hope that one day I may move on from him? That one day I will find someone to love just as deeply, maybe even more deeply? Lord, I have to know... Is there hope for me? I hear a still small voice in my mind say "There is always hope." A quote drifts into my mind with ease, and I cannot deny it. "When all else is lost there is still hope." Oh Lord, there is always hope. There is always hope. Lord I beg You to protect me from this kind of pain and doubt. I know You can't do that, for how else will I grow? Lord... Here I am. Take me as I am. Change me. Make me new. Lord I am sick of this person I am. This person I've been. Take from me this wretched burdens that weigh me down. These burdens from my past. These sins I've committed and never forgiven myself for. Lord I just pray that You will help me to become all that You want me to be. Lord I pray that You will help me be less selfish. Lord, You are so so wonderful. Lord, I know that You alone are God. You created the heavens and the earth, the birds, the trees, the flowers, the grass, the leaves. Not one is the same as the next and because of that I know that You took great care in the creation of each. Lord I can't help but conclude from that that You adore me so much more. Lord You look at me the way he looked at me. The way I long to be looked at. As if I am anything but what I am. Thank you my God, for listening to me, for holding me as I cried. Wrap me in Your arms oh God. Hold me, and never ever ever let me go. I love You. So so much. I love You.